For 28 years I searched and acquired, tried and tested the glamor and success this world has to offer. No matter how hard I tried or what I gained, I had an insatiable pit in my soul. The busyness and ‘noise’ that I thrived on, hoping to drown out the harsh reality, was exhausting. I had no idea what I needed; I kept adding on new things. Under my great façade, my life had little purpose. I just hoped each day would hurt less then the one before. This was well concealed under various facets of life’s disguises and activities. The goal was essentially to paint a good enough picture for others and appear as though I had it all together without revealing what I really felt.
After 28 years of perpetual searching and longing I was rescued from my life of hard emotional labor. It was by the one thing I had intentionally avoided my whole life; Jesus. In an instant the emptiness was filled with overflowing peace and joy, I could not explain it for a good while, but I wasn’t about to let it go. The seeking came to a screeching halt; I took on an identity I never dreamed I’d assume. I was saved from my misery, by grace and forgiveness that I, in no way deserved. My heart was suddenly full of joy I was “born again”.
Prior to that point, I was willing to try anything all my life, but I intentionally refused that. With all the social stigma and wackiness I associated with “born again Christians” I’d have rather disintegrated than let my pride go and become one of those weirdos. This was not a minor feeling. This was a firm decision that was suddenly overridden by the very One whom I was cold-bloodedly rejecting. Rejecting for no good reason, except that following Him seemed like a really strange thing to do and “normal” people didn’t do that.
In spite of my rejection, He chose to reach into my aching heart and in one felt swoop remove the massive burden I had been accumulating. I felt it lifted and the freedom from that imprisonment was glorious. I suddenly didn’t care about the social ramifications. I may have been “socially” acceptable before but it was not worth the lies I was living and portraying. Besides what I realized, to my complete amazement, “born again” really wasn’t nearly as far out as I had once assumed, I loved it.
In my new life there were friends, who were different than any I had ever had. They cared for me in a way I had never felt cared for, it was genuine and didn’t waiver according to the things I had or did. They simply seemed to value me because they knew God did. There was a firm foundation upon which I began to live my life and a direction to follow. Before all my convictions stemmed from feelings and were about as solid and reliable as the wind. This, however, was age old.
I have had to make a ton of changes. They are still continually being revealed to me little by little. Some are minor, but some are huge. Some have taken real faith and prayer to change. Although I have had a lot to change, I have been able to rest in the process. I know that God adores me, He knows my sin, He knows my deepest desires but has forgiven for everything and offers me a fresh start everyday. Every vile thought or cross word I had ever had, said or regretted; I have a second chance at everything. A clean slate everyday and the strength to change what I can not on my own, and the hope for what I long for. It is unbelievable. The character traits I dreaded about myself, I have learned I can ask God to help me change and He does.
I was so resistant to being ‘born again’ even though I never really knew what it was. There is nothing I would trade today for what I left behind.
For me to become the woman I am becoming is a journey full of ups and downs, laughter and tears. I hope the goodness God reveals to me along the way will touch you on your voyage. As much as I love to share, I love to hear about you. Please feel free to share with me your heart. I hope you’ll get a chance to look through the archives to see if a particular message meets you where you are today. I’m sincerely glad you’re here.
As a person I Like:
• Alternative remedies over conventional medication (Arnica, neti pot, healthy diet, adequate sleep, chiropractic care etc.)
• Natural food over artificial. I buy raw dairy, meat and eggs from Amish farms, organic, but by no means eat perfectly!
• I love flowers but I am not much of a gardener
• I prefer the mountains in the summertime to the beach
• I love people but really dislike crowds
• Snow suites me over heat and humidity
• I’m a writer but can’t spell or spot grammatical errors
• I love the earth but believe it is in bigger hands than mine
• I do many earth friendly things but I drive an SUV
• I am possessive about mowing the grass on my John Deere. It is there that I can sing nice and loud and pray for a good long time with minimal interruption. A rare accomplishment in my domestic life that doesn’t get unfolded, broken, dirty, hurt or lost for the rest of the day.
• I am passionate about sexual purity and despite the culture’s low expectations; I have high ones and believe they can be attained through prayer and perseverance.
• I have become best friends with the man I am married to, I love going through life by his side.
• We have four unbelievable sons. They allow me to be myself and they love me in spite of it all. I spend most of my life praying for them, driving them to school and sporting activities, washing their clothes, cooking them food and training them to be men of God. I am developing great joy in that calling.
• I love girls and have great hopes that one day I will start accumulating them in the form of daughter in-laws and grandchildren. I have incredible plans of attending the ballet and nail salons. I envision expressing joint creativity in the kitchen, shoe shopping, etc. I’m certain one of them will like some of those things.
• I stay home and while it can be a bit monotonous, I consider it an honor and a privilege. I strive and do a better job but have a long way to go.
• I am from Austin.
• I love turtles, children’s books (Max Lacado), flowers, pink girly things and the highlight of my week is going to church.
• If I had all the money in the world and could give it all away I’d give it to ministries like Focus on the Family and Family Life Today who have been God’s life savers for me through many of life’s storms. I’d love to outfit every homeless shelter and give clean water and comfy beds to everyone alive. I’d love to hold every orphan and let them know they are valuable to God.
• If there was no need for charity and I had a ton of extra money to spend frivolously I’d love to buy extravagant shoes.
• Today, in addition to my husband and four sons I have: a dog, two cats, a lizard (that requires live crickets), an aquarium full of fish that multiply by the minute and soon will be adding 2 chickens and a bee hive.
• I love girl movies like Sweet Home Alabama, 50 First Dates, and Dan in Real Life. Just the sight of Dirty Harry gives me this really yucky sensation that reminds me of being a little girl, driving with my dad out on a hot Texas highway, in his “less than elegant” Silverado pickup truck, with the windows down, chewing (and spitting)tobacco, listening to AM sports radio on our way to some out-of-town auto supply shop.
• I read obituaries and I talk to almost every child I meet.
• I don’t really watch TV and that includes the news (and weather, oops).
• I love to pray and I love to pray with people!
• I am not afraid to die or lose my family.
• My life is very busy and I rely on God’s grace, guidance and all the help He provides.
• My husband spoils me rotten and I love him to death.
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