Every time I hear Brad Paisley sing If I could Write a Letter to Me I get swept up into La La Land. I find myself carried away into the “what ifs” of my own past. Do you ever do that? Do you wonder where on your own timeline you could really use an extra measure of foresight, encouragement or perspective? Is there a place in your past, that when looking back, you find yourself especially “off track”?

Imagine being in that season and going to the mail box. What if you pulled out a letter from your older, wiser self? What might it say?

If I had to choose only one season in life to send a letter to (which would not be an easy decision), it would be the “new-mother” version of me. As an at-home-mom, life felt especially grueling. In addition to the physically and emotionally challenging parts- what with a relatively new husband and a mess of small children- I was pretty far off base about what I thought I knew was true.

 

On the one hand, it was truly blissful. All my childhood dreams had come true. I had a husband whom I loved very much. I have always loved babies and there I was with a nest of them. I loved nursing and caring for them, I loved their little clothes and holding them tight, even in the wee hours of the night.

As close to my fantasy world as it all was, I was caught off guard by the unexpected challenges and disappointments I encountered along the way. The whole experience of ‘married with children’ panned out a bit differently than I had always anticipated. I found myself caught up in the expectations of this world. I was trapped somewhat in the disappointment that accompanies the comparisons of what I had, versus what I thought I should have, or what others had. (Not that I’m fully over that sin!) I gleaned my ideals especially in regards to my husband and his contributions to my life from what I thought should be from the TV, movies or who knows exactly where.

Now, I am certain I’m not the only young at-home-mom who has sat in a kitchen with the equivalent to macaroni and cheese on the floor, dried spit-up down the back of a tired T- shirt, exhausted from a long night, planning some type of a covert move to the bathroom (in hopes of an unlikely 20 seconds alone in there).

It would take swift and strategic actions if it were to be accomplished at all. It would mean arranging things so that little minds would be engaged elsewhere, but little bodies were not at risk of getting hurt. I wasn’t a TV mom so I had to get creative. Perhaps other girls in my age bracket, the non ‘at-home-moms’ or ‘non-moms-at-all’, may have been all dressed up in their clean business attire, sitting in fancy-schmancy meetings, having intellectual conversations, utilizing their degrees- perhaps strategically designing an interior for a client’s new home or the next Coke-a-Cola add. I was planning a trip to the bathroom alone.

Life was a juggling act for me. I have always been great at spontaneity and not so great at organization. To put it bluntly I was young with 3 little boys under 31/2, I had little to no faith, (that came later Praise God!), the whole situation was wild, chaotic and intellectually un-stimulating.

Meanwhile, my husband would be heading out the door every morning like clockwork. He’d look great all dressed up, clean ironed clothes, state-of-the-art electronic gadgets in tow, looking sharp as a tack. He’d walk leisurely to his car all alone. He’d drive off to work listening to whatever struck his fancy and no doubt it didn’t have the words “duck” or “quack quack quack” in it. In my mind, I was certain he’d be greeted by a relaxing cup of coffee and a leisurely bathroom break all alone. Certainly he’d get accolades for the hard work he was involved in. His projects were really cool and they were making a difference in the community, we could all see the fruit of his labor.

He’d get to fly on airplanes while the flight attendants waited on him when he wasn’t sleeping. His business trips included restaurants and hotels where the beds were made, the meals prepared and the dishes were done all by someone else. He got to sleep through the entire night (without someone else’s pee waking him up) and no doubt in his big comfy bed.

I was certain I had gotten the short end of the stick. I was certain he was in the lap of luxury while I was fighting the latest virus from the ball pit a Chuck E Cheeses.

Now this was my side of the story. As I matured I finally learned his side had been extremely different. In regards to his travel he was probably bummed out every day that he had to go off and leave us for such a long periods. Perhaps while he sat on lonely plane rides, or ate alone in restaurants thousands of miles away from home, he imagined we were all home playing fun games, while laughing and enjoying each other’s company every waking hour.

Perhaps he envied the fact that I could wear whatever I wanted to, while his neck was bound up in a tie. He might have thought I loved each day because most of my activities involved my best girlfriends and their kids at some type of park. I’m certain, in addition to whatever else he thought about my days at home; he no doubt had some illusion that there was a lot of time spent eating Bon Bons; while he was slaving away at his grueling job.

So I look back at the misconception we probably both had, and think I wish I’d known then what I know now. I wish I could have seen what was really happening. I’d love to look back and feel I was more supportive and less resentful. I could have been a much better wife and made his life easier. In the long run, through all his hard work and dedication, he certainly has made my life easier today.

Fifteen years later I look at the man I married with unbelievable respect, gratitude and appreciation. I can see from a different vantage point, the sacrifices he made and what he did for me and our children. I was so blessed to be able to stay home and be a wife and a mother and yet there was so much of me feeling resentful and disappointed at the time.

So if I could write a letter to me, it would be something like this:

Now sweetheart, there is a big picture of your life and you are in a small piece of it right now. You are so tangled up and dragged down in what you want, what you can’t do, what you wish you had, and how burdened you are. Poor me, poor me, poor me! (I’d spare her the hard cold truth, that it is simply a nauseating amount of self-centeredness and complaining)

You are missing the blessing of how hard your husband is working. You don’t understand the reasons behind it or the process involved. He is driven so hard, in large part, so he can provide for you. However, instead of getting your support and encouragement you resent the amount of work and dedication he is applying to his career.

One day you will wear clothes that are pressed and dry cleanable, you will be able go to the bathroom alone. You will be able to do many things, beyond your wildest dreams, one day; all because he is working so hard for you today.

The effort he his putting in is actually building a foundation for your life for your future, together and as a family. Stop for a minute and remember how much he loves you. Stop envying what you do not have, stop looking at other situations and finding yourself in discontentment. Start supporting him as he labors on towards a great goal. Be a team member with a winning attitude.

When he gets on an airplane, rather than resent his alone time and the service he’ll receive from others, send him away with sweet kisses. Assure him that your end of the deal will be covered and he doesn’t need to worry about you and your children. Make certain he knows when he gets home you’ll be here waiting for him with open arms and loving heart.

When he misses dinner for a late night at the office, don’t be mad that he didn’t appreciate all the effort you applied towards making a nice meal. Take him a plate to the office with a sweet smile and assurance that you’ll be waiting for him when he’s finished. When he does finally get home, have the kids in bed, take some time to gussie up and make every effort to love on him physically.

He will not mind if you spend some of his hard earned money at Victoria Secrets. Don’t think that just because you have a ring on your finger that he doesn’t need you to be more than a mom. Find ways to connect with the woman he married, so he can connect with her too. Make sure you have your priorities in order and make sure that they don’t start with children. He needs to come before them. That’s the best thing you can ever do for your family.

Babysitting seems costly, but it is the best investment you can make. Whether it’s for you alone to connect with yourself or you and your husband together, make certain it is a regular occurrence. Don’t let your identity get morphed into your new role as a mom and expect him to come alongside you as Joe Dad. You married a man, respect that about him and let him be one.

Reality alert: he is not going to the office everyday to take a break from you. He has a plan, he has a goal and it very much involves you. While you are only able to see your future as it applies to the next hour of your life, he has a mind that is able to see your children as young adults ready to head off to college. He wants to be ready for those days ahead. He is steadily laying a foundation. Every day when he leaves the house, he is on a mission. That mission is his way of loving and providing for you.

Stop looking at other scenarios, thinking if he only did XY and Z. Start appreciating him for who he is. Start respecting what he does. Treat him like what he does is valuable to you. Imagine that he’s laboring away solely for you, come alongside him, labor for him.

Get your views about life from God’s perspective, not from the world. Get your nourishment from God, who is more than able to meet your every need. Whether it’s physical, emotional or spiritual, don’t expect that poor man to fill your void, he never will.

Take inventory of what you have every day, with gratitude. Know that before you know it, it will be all over. That little boy that can’t do a single thing without you will one day find you to be the most embarrassing person on the planet. You can’t get him to eat his veggies now, but one day you’ll see him put lettuce and tomatoes on his very own sandwich. Chuck E Cheese will seem like a cake walk when you see your son ride Super Man at Six Flags, or go to overnight camp for a week or two. One day you’ll look back at the T shirts and macaroni and thank God that you had the opportunity to spend that type of time with your sweet boys. You’ll realize you actually had the long end of the stick all along.