The most liberating part of my marriage in recent years has been a joint movement towards not holding one another captive to our own selfish wills.

 

The beauty of it really hit me one night as we returned from a date. In the past, I would have insisted (in my heart-with a grudge or with my spoken demands-nagging) that my husband verbally affirm my appearance. It seems simple enough, but you may know, words do not come naturally for everyone. Words, however, are my love language, hence they are not only how I share love but they are also what I hear love with.

Heretofore, I have worked very hard to pry my husband into meeting my emotional needs and use the words that are difficult for him, can you relate?

If he didn't say what I needed, when I needed, than I was not content (to put it mildly). I was certain to launch complaints. It seemed valuable to stand up for myself; after all shouldn't he meet my needs?

Though I was ultimately fishing for a compliment, I realize now what I was saying to him was, "you have let me down”, “you did not do what I wanted/needed you to do”, “you are bad." I missed what he was doing right, like taking me out on a date.

 

Insisting on having my way did nothing to accomplish my needs. It only added more bricks to the wall that was growing around our emotional intimacy.

What is it you are insisting that you get in a relationship? Is it more time, money, attention, words of affirmation? What does someone else have that you find yourself longing for?

 

Sticking my foot in the mud until I got what I wanted from him was not going to encourage him to want to speak my love language; it was simply going to make matters worse. Rather than focusing on how I could love him more effectively, I was caught up being critical and holding high standards for him. It simply created an atmosphere of defensiveness and distance.

 

Can you relate?

 

Ultimately, our dissatisfaction with one another will lead to a desire to flee. No one thrives in an environment where there is hostility or a discontent- needy- spouse. It may be an emotional departure or it may be a physical one.

That night I realized the tide had turned in my heart and in my marriage. I was really decked out. Though I didn't hear a peep about my appearance, I did not hold anything as collateral (emotional or physical). I was not waiting to get my way and receive a compliment. In fact I was so happy to be out with the love of my life that it never even crossed my mind. (I must say I was caught off guard a few days later when he reflected back on the night and said, "You were looking so cute.")

Instead of being anchored to a ship that was going nowhere (him saying what I wanted to hear) I was riding the waves on his boat. I changed my focus to value what he was saying to me, in his love language.

 

His love language is not words, in fact; it does not make a sound. His love language is in large part, spoken through hard days of work, long periods of travel, indulging me like a princess and spending most of his free minutes with me. It is catching me off guard with a kiss on the neck or some physical gesture to let me know I am important to him.

For years I didn't feel loved unless I heard love in my language (words). I tried to change him to speak it, to meet my needs. From time to time he'd say it, but it was forced and never enough.

 

His words were not nearly as spectacular as his own natural love language. I have changed the way I 'listen' to his love, spoken in his language. When I released him to speak love in his language, it became so much more powerful and sincere.

 

It's easy to feel cherished when I focus on all I have. I am so thankful that I have a husband that takes me on dates and steadily offers me his love, support and provision. I let my mind wander to the times he's forgiven me when I've hurt him or been really despicable. I think about how patient he is with me and my idiosyncrasies. Rather than focus on what I want, I focus on what he is giving me and we both have joy.

 

He has accepted me and made me feel valuable. Our relationship has gone from, "I won't take anything less than my way" to "I love you and accept you. The way you spell love is perfect for me."

 

Are you holding someone captive to meet your needs the way I was?

 

I was not truly able to let my husband love me in his love language until I was captivated by the love of God. God speaks love to me all the time. My cup literally spills over with God's love. God has given me a whole Book of loving words, His Spirit whispers love to me whenever I need it and He doesn't even care how I look.

 

1 Samuel 16:7"But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”(NIV)

 

So while in the past my attitude was 'it must be my way', 'you must do better', 'you are not good enough', now my heart and my life says, 'I get you, just be yourself and that is all I need.'

 

I hope you are familiar with the various love languages:

 

• Words of affirmation
• Physical touch
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Gifts

Check out the author of Love Languages - Gary Chapman

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

(I just got The Five Love Languages of Teenagers- Gary Chapman)