As I raise my four boys I am extremely sensitive to how different boys are than girls. Not to stereotype, but the hard cold truth is they seem to have little to no feelings. (Ok that’s a gross exaggeration, but they are very different.)
It is nice for me, on one hand, the drama is limited to me; the rest of the family’s main mode of communication is primarily wrestling or just plain silence.
While each of my boys is kind and considerate, they are very different than girls.
Recently I learned that my teenage son, has a friend, whose father has liver cancer. Again, not to stereotype but the first thing that popped into my head was alcoholism. I know that is not always the case, yet I believe it often is.
I had another thought and decided to share it with my son. “Often a daughter of an alcoholic/workaholic (any kind of addict or disconnected father) seeks inappropriate attention from boys,” I cautiously shared with him.
My son didn’t believe me, but I knew what I was talking about.
As I get older I realize every little girl wants her daddy to tell her she is pretty. It’s not a conscious feeling, in fact I can’t ever remember having it myself, but I believe it. I believe the girls who are not getting those types of affirmation and accolades from their daddy are more likely to end up seeking it elsewhere.
She may not seek the healthy accolades she desires; but inadvertently she may find herself in search of assurance in negative ways so she can feel the value she so desperately longs for. This often comes wrapped up in lies and the arms of a guy who, in many cases could care less about her inner desires. However, he knows exactly how to get his needs met through her insatiable yearning to be valued.
It’s not just little girls either, isn’t a woman vulnerable to infidelity when she isn’t feeling cherished by her man?
In the form of media, society has cast the illusion that females get the same relief from sex that guys do and that a one night stand is just as fun for her as it is for him. That is absolutely wrong. What girls long for is intimacy and while they may feel it briefly in the arms of a guy, ultimately she could be left feeling used, dirty, disappointed and ashamed. Her self image loses its innocence as she feels the filth and shame that surround her emptiness.
That’s why I am such an advocate for married sex. It comes when a man has decided to love a woman with his life. He has decided she is the one he is going to sacrifice for; she is the only one he wants. It is a relationship approved of by others who love and support the couple, including God.
The husband may not get all her intimacy needs (ok let’s be honest-he won’t) but he’s willing to try; because in addition to his physical desire, he loves and cherishes his wife. (Now that love and cherish can certainly get off track when the flame simmers down, but let me assure you it can get on track again.)
As I was sharing with my son I had a few messages for him. Be mindful of ‘easy’ girls. Actually it wasn’t as much the message of be mindful as it was be sensitive towards them. Maybe their daddy is an addict, maybe he left, who knows, but ultimately she is seeking approval in the wrong places because it is not available in the right place.
I began to rattle off a few names of young college age girls from our church that we both know. These were girls who make it very clear are not available to touch. It is evident in the way they dress, cute but in no way inviting to anyone; they conduct and carry themselves with confidence and self respect. They possess a pure glow that radiates from their faces. I believe in my heart of hearts, that unless there is a sad, weak moment, these girls will preserve their body. I believe that each one will not be touched until her daddy gives her to the man that she adores and he approves of. Each of the girls that came to mind has a close relationship with their father.
Maybe you don’t have a daddy or maybe your daddy is not there to meet the desires of your heart; I have some really incredible news for you. There is another Father and He’s all yours (He’s all mine too). He is perfect and He loves you so incredibly much. He is constantly there singing over you, even when you fail, His love never ceases.
Lamentations 3:
22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
God is called Abba ‘Daddy’. I know it’s hard to get our mind around that concept, but if we take some time and get to know Him, read His word, focus at church, and pray; we will see how unbelievably much he adores us. If your father is not there to give you away to a faithful man, God is.
Romans 5:15
15For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."
Your body is not to be touched by anyone who hasn’t asked God if he could touch and whom God has permitted that privilege with His blessing.
Go before your Father, allow Him to adore you and show you how valuable you are in His sight. Believe what He tells you; carry it as your identity so Satan can’t prevail with his lies.
If God is your Father and you are His daughter, you are a princess! You should feel a tiara on your head. No one should ever treat you less than that. God sent His only son to die for our sins so that we could be with Him forever and ever. That’s pretty serious love and devotion.
If you have found yourself seeking love in the wrong places, if you have found yourself feeling dirty and ashamed because of what you have done, seen or experienced, let me tell you the best news ever: You are forgiven and the only thing that could prevent your complete washing is your lack of faith in the gift that was given just for you. Christ came to die for our sins; He washed them away with His blood as He hung innocently on that Cross.
I know what it feels like to feel dirty, ashamed, scared, resentful, empty and without hope. I also know what it feels like to be washed clean, given an undeserved spotless slate. I am no different than any of you, I have just devoted my life to being refreshed and blessed by the love of God, daily. What I am experiencing is unexplainable and it is free to all who desire it.
If you want it, if you want to feel certain you are a child of the Greatest Father, join me in prayer:
Dear Lord,
I don’t believe You could ever love me, I have done too many things that are not of You. Please help me to understand what I read when I am told that Your love is unconditional and never-ending. I feel I can’t be good enough, but I am being told I don’t need to be, how can that be?
God please let me hear Your love, let me feel Your forgiveness. I want to feel like Your princess, help me to believe it. Guard me from the path that leads to the destroying of my self-worth.
Lord help me to understand the needs of others, help me not to hurt other girls with my words or insensitivity. Help me to be one to build up and edify anyone who needs to hear ‘you are special’. Help me not to judge one
whose shoes I have never walked in.
Remind me that while a girl’s value is not in her appearance, she often thinks it is. Help me to be one to help her feel pretty in case her Daddy can't or she won't listen to You.
Amen
Please check out these incredible videos:
Does Anybody Hear Her -Casting Crowns
A More Beautiful You - Jonny Diaz
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written by Concerned , February 22, 2010
Not to stereo type, but people that rely on religion to rule their lives are simple minded and misguided. I have met quite a few; lots of them are uneducated and made to believe in fairy tales!!
How is that any more unfair then your entry above? People die from liver disease quite often and it has nothing to do with alcohol abuse. Also, I have met plenty of girls from mother only households who are as well adjusted as anyone and plenty of girls from homes where both parents were present and loving...and they were overly promiscuous.
Additionally, you make men out to be horny animals, preying on innocent young women. Only if I could find one from a fatherless household.... I will tell her lies about being pretty to make sure my insatiable needs are met!!
You refer to this effort as a calling? A calling to stereo type all sorts of things....liver disease, young girls and male sex drive to name a few... in just one post. I would hope that someone that encourages understanding and faith would have a little more of both before starting out to preach those concepts. Seems to me that you have lived a pretty narrow life which has exposed you to a limited set of experiences and then extrapolated those to the rest of world.
written by Charlotte's Heart , February 23, 2010
Dear Reader,
I am sorry my post was so offensive to you. Let me assure I have lived anything but a narrow life. I am so fortunate to have what I have today, for years I lived in sorrow and pain. I hope you will find a place where you will be encouraged and I am sorry it's not here. I will delete your comment because the words you used were not in line with the tone I have here. God bless you and thanks for stopping by.
written by Lana Scully , February 23, 2010
Charlotte, thank you for always being transparent and rock solid. You bare your heart and love for the Lord and thankfulness for all of HIs blessings. Although "Misguided" is way off base, he/she read your article and because it is divinely inspired, the words won't leave Misguided's mind easily. I appreciate you and Charlotte's Heart so much. Thank you for doing what you do...you do it so well.
written by Jeannette , February 23, 2010
What it boils down to is faith, simple as that. So I take the simpleminded comment not as it was intended but actually as a complement. There have been times in my life when I really wrestled over some things in the Bible. And it wasn't until the day God removed the scales from my eyes that I could see clearly. It's simple, God loves us and wants us to come to him by faith in Jesus Christ. Thank God it's not complicated!
written by Anonymous , February 23, 2010
Hi Charlotte,
As a Christian brother in the faith, I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you for your desire to reach out to our sisters. Truly, this is a topic that needs to be addressed in the world and in our own congregations. So often we feel that first separation of the sexes in the garden because of the wounds of our first parents. Often it is much deeper than even we realize, until we experience that healing that comes from God and makes us whole.
I am a man, and therefore I see the world through a male filter and lens. As a male, I’m sensitive to the needs of those around me and I feel deeply for my male and female neighbors in a uniquely male way. The goodness of the male role, and of a male’s deep and strong feelings is implicit in your post, “Daddy, Call Me Pretty”, even though it is explicitly absent in your post.
Definitely, the way a male relates to another male is different from that of communication among females. And the way men relate to women is certainly different from that of female relationships with men. The goodness of God’s plan in those differences of expression is often difficult for the world to understand. But, as Christians we have powerful and insightful resources at our disposal. The Word of God, Prayer, and observation through the Christian perspective and truth, are just 3 of many gifts we’ve been given to discern our roles in His Divine Plan.
Because the needs of men are very deeply emotional, the world often minimizes the male’s emotional role. Because men are seen as insensitive and non-emotive, they are therefore often neglected in these areas. If a man is expected to “be” more like a woman instead of “understanding” her, he will feel that neglect sharply and it will play out negatively in his relationships with women. But if a man is given the resources to express his sensitivity and emotional creativity, love can flower and grow in phenomenally heroic ways. “Men, love your wives as Christ loves the Church”.
Christ, as a male, is very sensitive and His feelings are profoundly deep even in His silence. He has given these gifts to all men. When a woman understands a man’s silence, she gives him the strength to express himself. As the wind beneath his wings, she supports in him a sacred trust that solidifies the bonds of holy matrimony and strengthens verbal and non-verbal communication between the two sexes.
As a man, I see women as cornerstones of the world. So sad, that our secular world has gained such a foothold, even in the Christian community, to the point where these cornerstones are being eroded by the changing winds of pop-psychology. But, with you I share the hope in Christ that His Truth will prevail and His Love will transform each of us into the men and women He has called us to be.
written by Charlotte's Heart , February 23, 2010
Thank you so much for your words. To my brother, I want to thank you especially. God is teaching me something about the emotional strengths of a male. I hope my jest shows through in my writing, but I am positive I am being taught something. I don't have it yet but when I get it I will certainly write about it.
I am writing a book for newlywed girls (mainly) among my goals of preparing her heart for the realities ahead, in order to better her chances of lasting survival, I have a great desire to illuminate how often we tare down our men, not even knowing it.
Your input was valuable I hope you will continue to read and comment. I am bent toward the women but the male who has such a tender heart towards God and incredible way of expressing himself will be nothing but an asset here.
Thank you again readers it is rare I get what I call an 'angry reader' but it nourishes my heart to have the kindness come back that I work to send out.
