The most liberating part of my marriage in recent years has been a joint movement towards not holding one another captive to our own selfish wills.

 

The beauty of it really hit me one night as we returned from a date. In the past, I would have insisted (in my heart-with a grudge or with my spoken demands-nagging) that my husband verbally affirm my appearance. It seems simple enough, but you may know, words do not come naturally for everyone. Words, however, are my love language, hence they are not only how I share love but they are also what I hear love with.

Heretofore, I have worked very hard to pry my husband into meeting my emotional needs and use the words that are difficult for him, can you relate?

If he didn't say what I needed, when I needed, than I was not content (to put it mildly). I was certain to launch complaints. It seemed valuable to stand up for myself; after all shouldn't he meet my needs?

Though I was ultimately fishing for a compliment, I realize now what I was saying to him was, "you have let me down”, “you did not do what I wanted/needed you to do”, “you are bad." I missed what he was doing right, like taking me out on a date.

 

Insisting on having my way did nothing to accomplish my needs. It only added more bricks to the wall that was growing around our emotional intimacy.

What is it you are insisting that you get in a relationship? Is it more time, money, attention, words of affirmation? What does someone else have that you find yourself longing for?

 

Sticking my foot in the mud until I got what I wanted from him was not going to encourage him to want to speak my love language; it was simply going to make matters worse. Rather than focusing on how I could love him more effectively, I was caught up being critical and holding high standards for him. It simply created an atmosphere of defensiveness and distance.

 

Can you relate?

 

Ultimately, our dissatisfaction with one another will lead to a desire to flee. No one thrives in an environment where there is hostility or a discontent- needy- spouse. It may be an emotional departure or it may be a physical one.

That night I realized the tide had turned in my heart and in my marriage. I was really decked out. Though I didn't hear a peep about my appearance, I did not hold anything as collateral (emotional or physical). I was not waiting to get my way and receive a compliment. In fact I was so happy to be out with the love of my life that it never even crossed my mind. (I must say I was caught off guard a few days later when he reflected back on the night and said, "You were looking so cute.")

Instead of being anchored to a ship that was going nowhere (him saying what I wanted to hear) I was riding the waves on his boat. I changed my focus to value what he was saying to me, in his love language.

 

His love language is not words, in fact; it does not make a sound. His love language is in large part, spoken through hard days of work, long periods of travel, indulging me like a princess and spending most of his free minutes with me. It is catching me off guard with a kiss on the neck or some physical gesture to let me know I am important to him.

For years I didn't feel loved unless I heard love in my language (words). I tried to change him to speak it, to meet my needs. From time to time he'd say it, but it was forced and never enough.

 

His words were not nearly as spectacular as his own natural love language. I have changed the way I 'listen' to his love, spoken in his language. When I released him to speak love in his language, it became so much more powerful and sincere.

 

It's easy to feel cherished when I focus on all I have. I am so thankful that I have a husband that takes me on dates and steadily offers me his love, support and provision. I let my mind wander to the times he's forgiven me when I've hurt him or been really despicable. I think about how patient he is with me and my idiosyncrasies. Rather than focus on what I want, I focus on what he is giving me and we both have joy.

 

He has accepted me and made me feel valuable. Our relationship has gone from, "I won't take anything less than my way" to "I love you and accept you. The way you spell love is perfect for me."

 

Are you holding someone captive to meet your needs the way I was?

 

I was not truly able to let my husband love me in his love language until I was captivated by the love of God. God speaks love to me all the time. My cup literally spills over with God's love. God has given me a whole Book of loving words, His Spirit whispers love to me whenever I need it and He doesn't even care how I look.

 

1 Samuel 16:7"But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”(NIV)

 

So while in the past my attitude was 'it must be my way', 'you must do better', 'you are not good enough', now my heart and my life says, 'I get you, just be yourself and that is all I need.'

 

I hope you are familiar with the various love languages:

 

• Words of affirmation
• Physical touch
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Gifts

Check out the author of Love Languages - Gary Chapman

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

(I just got The Five Love Languages of Teenagers- Gary Chapman)

 

Our pastor challenged us with a Lenten sacrifice; he said it would cause us to truly grow near to the Lord during the pre-Easter season. He alluded to the fact that by taking on this challenge, we would find ourselves over and over at the throne of God asking for forgiveness.

This one area of surrender would be such a test for all of us that if we took the challenge we would soon be incredibly aware of our sinful natures. In turn, he suggested, we would become acutely conscious of our need for forgiveness. In a new way we would live and better understand the depth of God's never-ending grace that is poured upon us.

Easter, he suggested, would take on a new meaning as we realize that the death and resurrection of Jesus, for our sin, was adequate to satisfy God. It is enough to make us fully acceptable to God, once we understand that we are indeed sinful, and we receive His boundless grace and forgiveness.

Don't go away you who despise the term sin,  this is actually a good thing. I am in no way joining my pastor on a pedestal looking down with a Holy Finger pointed at you, calling you a "Sinner!" That was not his intent nor is it mine. I know some people get a little edgy when bible-beaters use the word sin. People tend to think "Oh brother, now she's going off on one of those Heaven and Hell rampages.”

That is not what this is. This here is a little challenge that you may choose to accept, like I did. If you find yourself more aware of your sin in the process, like I did, then you can join me in earnest celebration, this Easter.  As we become acutely aware of our sin and experience the grace that was poured out from Heaven, for all of us ,we will experience the death and resurrection of Christ in a whole new light.

 

I know people well enough to know many people do not think they are sinful. "I'm a good person”, “I am honest”, “I give to charities”, “I volunteer”, “I go to religious services”, yadda, yadda, yadda, I get it. What my pastor was simply offering us was a chance to get closer to God. When we are able to see one way in which we really fall short we will become more reliant on the mercy of God.

I hope you will join me. No one has to know, unless you tell someone. Just you and God will know if you take on this challenge and just you and God will know how you do.

What was it that could be so convicting to such a broad audience of people; men, women and children? Where do we all fall so short that my pastor could actually identify a weakness we all have, without knowing all of us intimately?

The answer is slander. Not just slander and gossip in general, but he made certain to include a major hook, " Even if it's true," he stated clearly, "don't say it unless that person is present!"

 

Perhaps you don't realize gossip is a sin.

Proverbs 18:8 The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts. (NIV)

OK, that would be challenging, I realized, but how hard could it really be, I wondered? Although he said he had given it a trial run the week before and humbly admitted he himself had struggled, I wasn't convinced it would not be that hard.

If you do this and have a first-time discovery that you are sinful, don't freak out. There is no need for sudden guilt and shame; God does not reveal our sin so we will feel bad.  He reveals it so we will see we need a Savior; receive His gift and begin a journey of fellowship.  He has no desire for us to be condemned by the recognition of our sin. The purpose of the crucifixion and resurrection was to free us from consequences of sin. Hence, that is why becoming more aware of our sin and more dependent on God before Easter is such a splendid thing.

It didn't take long for me to realize my pastor was spot on. It is a significant challenge to refrain from speaking something about another, whether it's a friend, a neighbor, a child or a loved one. Maybe it's the Angelina Jolie, a political official or a professional sports team. Often I find myself just wanting to share a story with my husband or a sister in Christ, but with this Lenten sacrifice, I am convicted over and over not to share as my words will affect the dignity of another.  Rest assured I fail at this over and over but with God’s endless supply of forgiveness I am replenished and farther from my sin each time I go to Him with it.

Now I know full well my mouth has been a lifelong issue. Rest assured, over the years God has been growing me in that area. In all honesty I can say I have grown already by leaps and bounds in regards to the control of my tongue. However, God has been impressing on me that there is a fair amount of work I have yet to do on this road.

When this idea arose in church I was amazed that the entire message would be dedicated to what God had been whispering to me personally over the past season or two (or three). How could my pastor have even known my sin so precisely? I have heard God strongly suggesting I make some more changes, but I have been negligent to surrender my mouth fully to His gentle loving nudges.

You would have thought I would have made a bigger change earlier this year. I was connecting with a prayer partner one day and the next day she lovingly and courageously approached me. Though I had been seeking her prayer for a family in need, she said I had shared something with her that I never should have.

That was a doozy for me. "Charlotte", she graciously said, "In your calling, many people will share many things with you; you will need to keep those things sacred." She was right; I needed to reevaluate how I handled people's request for prayer. I needed to make certain even if I seek prayer support from another, I need to keep identities private.

I wish I could say that was the only lesson I have learned the hard way, but it wasn't. Several weeks later I was praying about respecting others. I went out on a limb and sincerely prayed "Lord if I say something about another person, may they find out about it, so I will be held accountable for my words." I was not aware enough of how seriously God would honor that request.

Not two days later, I got a call from a young girl's mother. She lovingly illuminated the fact that something I had said -albeit not in the nature of gossip whatsoever- rose to the surface and inflicted pain into the life of a young girl in my community. I was horrified! Being a young girl is hard enough, the last thing this child needed was my mouth to contribute to slander and bring her pain. I can't tell you how far from gossip and slander my heart had been in what I had said, yet my words about another resulted in pain.

Sometimes we just want to vent. I have realized that venting is hurtful. No matter how true it is, it takes dignity away from another, whether to their face or behind their back. I can go before the Lord in the quite of my heart and pray for that person, but to vomit things through my mouth that I am judging about another is simply wrong and has effects beyond what I can imagine.

What about all the times I've prefaced slander with "I don't mean to be rude but”, or “bless his heart...".  Ewe, when I hear my children say things like that, I know full well where they have learned it, from me. That is not OK!

What about children, is it appropriate to talk about one child behind their back with another child or to an outsider even? No, it is not, they in particular need our respect and dignity. Even when it is out of concern; it falls into the category of slander.

I'm not the only one in my church who is feeling the weight of this call; many of us are realizing that even what we say in love and concern can be slanderous.

Realizing we need a sacrifice, like the death of Jesus, pleases God. Pretending we are better than that, and our sin is insignificant, does not in fact make us better. We are allowed to believe whatever we want, He gave us free will, but that does not change the truth. We are all sinners in need of a savior and He freely gave us One simply out of His love.

Working towards the discipline we need in Christ, is like a sharp knife slicing away the unnecessary outer layer on the tip of a pencil. Over and over it strikes, peeling away layer after layer. Eventually there is a point, sharp enough- to be an effective tool worthy of writing God's story as designed for us.

As we go through a similar sharpening process in our lives, we begin to change. We slowly shed the sinful nature that entraps us. As God shaves away our shortcomings, we eventually become sharp enough to be used for the precision of the job He has designed for us.

The story God has written for our life begins to unfold as we let Him expose and shave away our sin. He begins to use us to attract others to Himself because He loves people so much. We need to let Him mold us; we need to be willing to change. We need to own up to the fact that we are sinners and we need to recognize how much God loves us anyway! If we want to be effective in this world, if we want to make a difference we all need to be willing to accept hard challenges that glorify God.

Go ahead give it whirl. Try even for just for today.  Can we go all day without saying something about someone else, when they are not there, even if it is true. Let me know how it goes.

As I raise my four boys I am extremely sensitive to how different boys are than girls.  Not to stereotype, but the hard cold truth is they seem to have little to no feelings. (Ok that’s an exaggeration, but they are very different.)

 

It is nice for me, on one hand, the drama is limited to me; the rest of the family’s main mode of communication is primarily wrestling or just plain silence.

 

While each of my boys is kind and considerate, they are very different than girls.

 

Recently I learned of a friend of my teenage son's whose father has liver cancer.  Again, not to stereotype but the first thing that popped into my head was alcoholism.  I know that is not always the case, yet I believe it often is.

 

I had another thought and decided to share it with my teenage son. “Often a daughter of an alcoholic/workaholic (any kind of addict or disconnected father) seeks inappropriate attention from boys”, I cautiously shared with him.

 

My son didn’t believe me, but I knew what I was talking about.

Certain phases of life can feel like a birth canal. I'm ready to move on through but I'm scared to leave the comfort of what I know. Usually regardless of what I want or don't want to do I am going to be moved through this passage anyway. Ultimately what lies on the other side is full of opportunity and greatness, but the changes that will come about are a shock to the system no matter what.

I am knee deep through a birth canal in my parenting my teens. I have what will soon be three teenagers (boys). (That's not the lump sum of them either, there's one more who is 5; thank God someone in my house still goes around having serious conversations with R2D2.)

Dwindling are the days of family activities. Suddenly each person has his own life. He has passions for his interests and his friends; they differ from my husband's and mine or his brothers. I never dreamed that having the whole family together at once would be such a treasure; nor did I ever imagine giving them the freedom to make their own choices would be such a challenge. I wasn't prepared for their interests to differ so much from mine; I wasn't ready to grasp that they belong to their own generation and like it or not I'm not part of it. It is hard to let go.