As a newlywed I remember a disappointing feeling after we got our first Christmas tree. In my childhood home, decorating the tree was one of the treasured activities of the year.  We’d all help by pulling out the boxes of ornaments; share some eggnog and Christmas music while we traveled together down memory lane.

 

I couldn’t wait to decorate a tree with my new husband and begin our own customs.  Much to my surprise he got grouchy when it was time to take the first new steps.  He started treating this delightful event as an obligation!

 

I was very hurt when my husband acted like this treasured day that I had been anticipating with excitement was an obligation. I no doubt did not have the ability to step out of my selfishness, love him anyway and remember he loved me. I am certain I was just plain pouty and I most likely blamed him for doing it wrong and ruining my experience.

Hold the phone.  I now have the perspective of why he reacted as he did.  He did not have the tree decorating memories that I did, his memory was just as special but it was altogether different.  For one thing his parents, bless their hearts, snuck a tree in with all the gifts on Christmas Eve (what a pair) and decorated it themselves as part of the surprise.  It never crossed my young mind that anyone would decorate a tree any differently than I had.

 

A Chisel at his Masculinity

I no doubt relayed the message of complete disappointment; whether it was through tears, hurt feelings, silence or a critical nature.  I am certain it was one of the many times I wounded the man I love with the message, ‘You are bad, you did it wrong’.

 

In the early years of marriage men can begin to believe this when we pout and treat them like they are emotionless walls that can handle every bit of our disappointment. They may come off stoic but it has been said underneath, they should be treated like a wounded soldier.  Unfortunately we often don’t relay our disappointments in compassionate ways and after years of putting up with our lack of self-control they often wear down and can’t take us anymore.

 

If I could go back

I’d say sweetly to myself “You are devastated this year, but it’s one of many.  Let it go.  When the time is right and you two are connected, tell him.  Tell him how you’d like it to look in the future, listen to him and pray about it.  I bet he’ll understand and be willing to make it special in the future. Try not to let him know how disappointed you are it will hurt him more than you can imagine.”

 

Prayer

Dear Lord,

 

You know how hard it was for me to go through this change. I am used to one way of doing things and while I really love this man, I am really disappointed.  Please help me not to lose sight of the big picture. In my selfishness and disappointment help me to remember how much he loves me and how disappointed he will be in himself if he were to realize how upset I am.

Thank you God that I can come to You with things so that I am not tempted to hurt him and emasculate him with my response.

 

Emasculate

“to socially render a male less of a man”, or “to make a male feel himself to be less of a man by subjecting him to humiliation”.  (Adapted from Wikipedia)