Recently my family moved while my husband was undergoing a monumental change and unbelievably stressful situation at work.

At one point in the process I had a slight spell of feeling sorry for myself for various reasons (which never fails to include how lonesome it is being the only female in the house). My husband’s response to my little tirade made it clear to me that if I wanted the move to happen (which I did) I was going to have to bear the brunt of load on my own.  He simply had no room to add anything to his work requirements.

So, I shifted gears. I set out, as best as I possibly could, to handle the move while making our home-life a sanctuary from the pressure cooker my husband was dealing with at the office.

 

I make it sound easy I know, and let me assure you God was heaping blessings on me throughout the process, however a move after 13 years, with four sons, while trying to provide a refuge for my husband, on top of my regular responsibilies was nothing short of an insane amount of work that did not allow for a moment’s rest!

One thing I have come to learn over the years is that when my husband is going through the wringer at work, he needs me the most; it is not the time for me to be expecting him to be top of his affectionate game. More than ever it’s the time I need to give him grace when he neglects my needs for attention, affection and sensitivity, although that’s when I feel the most need.

During his ‘high pressure’ times, I tend to feel the effects of his circumstances and create my own set of demands.  As he is wrapped up in his business, I can easily begin to feel neglected and needy.  Regardless of my feelings it is important for me to remember how much he loves me and the multitude of wonderful things he’s done over the years. As needy as I feel, I must allow him a pass when he’s preoccupied at the office (for this season).

As you can imagine this was a bit of a trial.  Talk about one weary couple!

By God’s grace and a lot of hard work, my husband’s job circumstances eventually got better.  We settled in our new home and as we began to breathe again, it was finally time to reconnect with each other.

I’d love to say we had a romantic date and caught up on how much we love each other but…

A rough patch surfaced as a result of the negligence we had offered our marriage.  He lost track of the fact that I require sweet words (even though they are hard for him to say) and I began to lose grace for the things I wished he was doing differently and I began keeping track of the things he was not doing.

The end result was some direct comments from a man that landed on one emotionally needy woman and resulted in tears and hurt feelings.  The ‘you have no idea what I’ve been dealing with’ situation arose for both of us and neither of us had the wherewithal to think of the other’s needs at that point.

I tried to bounce back from the hurt feelings but the spring in my bounce-back had become stretched out with the heavy load I had been carrying and suddenly every negative thing that had transpired over the past three months came to the surface and began to bubble up in my otherwise joyful heart; like a pot of piping hot water about to bubble all over the kitchen and set off a kinds of alarms.

Mistake number one:

“May I talk to you?”

What I meant was ‘Can I tell you how hurt I am that you were so insensitive to my needs and quite possibly verbally recall every last thing you’ve done that has left a hurt on my heart in the last several months.’

Completely losing touch with the fact that the object of my emotional wrath was a person whom I adore and count on. I lost sight of how he provides so graciously for me, how he did the best he could under the circumstances and that he is so dedicated to his job, part and partial to provide things for me like a new home. I lost sight of the incredible gift he had given me for my birthday and the fact that he is kind, loyal and patient. All I could think about were the handful of times my feelings had been wounded over the past several months.

It was like a can of soda that was shaken up and spewed all over a person who didn’t realize that the can had even been shaken.  With complete disregard for what was being said to whom - I began to vent.  I kept going and going until every last thing was mentioned.  Boy did I feel better! I proceeded to take a few hours to myself and get refreshed before I was ready to get back to my happy marriage.

One thing didn’t work for me, however.  While I felt so much better, I lost complete sight of the fact that I had just torn my precious husband down to the roots as he was trying to recover from a nightmare at work.

The consequences were not pretty!  I ended up creating a situation that hurt us both tremendously, simply because I deserted my Christian walk for a period and gave into my flesh.  Sure it was only about twenty minutes but the damage was devastating.

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. Philippians 2:14-16 (NIV)

In retrospect I should have gone to God first, maybe even a girlfriend who knows me and could empathetically shine a little light on the truth, not necessarily encourage my feelings. I did not need the type of friend (who I don’t have anyway) that would be like “wow what a jerk, you should be upset”. Rather, I needed one who could empathize with my pain, steer me in the direction of recognizing I was making a mountain out of a molehill; a friend who could shine some light on his perspective and encourage me in prayer.

After deeply hurt feelings and a day of incredibly emotional devastation we moved on, hoping never to have that type of wreckage again in our most precious union.

Dear Lord,

Please give me a red flag when I am headed into a self-pity mode. When I begin to keep track of the things I feel I deserve and don’t receive, help me to turn to You for wisdom and guidance.  May I never step off the path of righteousness, (even for twenty minutes) and may I never vent at anyone again.

Thank you for forgiveness and grace.  Thank you for hope and a future.  Thank you that Your word is a road map to still water and You did not put me here to fend for myself.

You are my God and I worship You with my life.

For Related Articles See The Bar Fight in Charlotte's Heart Archives under Marriage