I’m not stupid, but for most of my life I really thought something was wrong with me mentally. I fell off a changing-table at 17 months old and was unconscious for a while; everyone attributed the fact that I could not keep up with the other kids to that. Whether the comments were in jest or for real, the whole concept stuck.

 

I couldn’t comprehend things the way the other kids did. Some people expressed a belief that I was extremely smart (like my grandfather) but for the most part I believed I was unintelligent and probably other folks did too.

I remember how I dreaded being asked to read aloud in 4^th grade. We sat in a circle on the floor; all the other children did so well. Reading seemed to be so fun and easy for them. When it was my turn, I wanted to dissolve; everyone was going to know how stupid I was when I tried to read.

 

A few years ago I learned I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I have also concluded I have information processing issues. When I was young we didn’t really have the term ADD so I was labeled as someone with ‘learning disabilities’.

 

Once you get that label slapped on you, it becomes a part of your identity. There is not a real motivation to try to transform from your label. When you already know you ‘can’t’ do what others can do it feels like a dead end as a kid.

 

I’d imagine any label whether it’s hyper, ugly, bad, a bully, fat, misbehaved or what have you, is likely to stick with the same adherence that the belief that I was stupid, defined me.

 

I remember being tested when I was around seven. The results they discovered then still hold true today. One issue is I have a lapse in my mind if I read something and need to write it down. I can do it, but the effort is time consuming and very challenging and praise God for cut and paste, it’s a lifesaver for someone like me.

 

Reading in general can be excruciating for me, depending on the material. I love things I enjoy, but if you hand me something to read, you can’t imagine what you have just done to me internally. Those feelings from the 4^th grade resurface. It can be as simple as a card, but I feel like I need to fake it and laugh or I have to admit it will take me a while to read it.

 

Right around my favorite age (that I dreaded for years) 40, I began to write pretty seriously. One result I received from putting myself out there was I realized that I am not stupid. It took half a life time to get! I gained confidence in what I can do and began to own (confidently) that which doesn’t come easily to me. I’m not stupid because I struggle to read and copy things down properly.

 

“I won’t read the newsletter, so if it’s important please tell my child to tell me verbally,” I generally start the school year that way with my children’s teachers. I know that’s a crisis for some teachers to hear but these days with the understanding of learning differences I think they are more apt to understand. I have a house full of books I am dying to read but I never really get past the first couple of chapters before I am fully distracted and on to something else. I think I will be able to read in Heaven.

 

It seems a bit strange to folks that while I have information possessing issues, my vocation is communicating. It’s hard for some to believe I struggle so much with reading. I guess it makes my writing all the more miraculous. Remember “God doesn’t call the equipped He equips the called.” Don’t shy from His call in your life because of your self-perceived shortcomings.

 

There was a fundraiser advertised recently for a local school that is dedicated to teaching children ‘like me,’ in the confidence that they will be just as successful as everyone else through appropriate means of communicating material to them. My heart wanted to participate eagerly because I am so grateful that there is a school like that; I wish in some respects that I could go back and learn. From what I understand the school sorts the children by learning abilities i.e. visual, audile etc. The children are surrounded by peers that are just as smart as they are and have similar paths they need to take to comprehend what is being taught.

 

The self esteem issues that go with ADD can be pretty debilitating for kids; even today when it is so prevalent. For one thing, my siblings never seemed as stupid as I was; no one can really help comparing.

 

People get frustrated with your challenges because they often don’t have the same ones. Even today I have to clearly explain to my husband “I can’t do that”. For example he might want directions somewhere. I can print them out on MapQuest that provides arrows and stop light pictures and small amount of words that are bulleted, but he’ll often want me to read a map. I can read a map but the amount of energy that I must put into it would take five times the amount of time it would to do it a way I can comprehend. He occasionally gets frustrated, it’s because he doesn’t have the same learning issues I do and it can aggravate him when I can’t do what seems normal to him.

 

I can see why people with issues similar to mine could end up drinking or drugging. It can be exhausting trying your hardest and never doing what others can do without even trying. It’s easy to succeed at failing and when you just want to succeed at something I can see where that can be a default path. It is my hope that people will see that if they are different, that does not make them wrong. We all need to recognize that God can use what He’s given us and we all have gifts. We need to not get hung up on what others have or can do and embrace what we can do.

 

I always knew I was honest and kind. In retrospect I wish I could have recognized those qualities as gifts instead of beating my self esteem down because I was different. I was told (with what seemed like amazement from some) that I was good at writing, but I never heard it go through my ‘academic failure filter’ so I never pursued it.

 

In recent years, recognizing I am different has been liberating. Understanding my uniqueness helped me understand I am not stupid. You may be like me, not stupid but perhaps labeled as such. What’s your challenge? Are you wearing a label from your youth that it’s time to redefine. No matter what you are struggling with let me assure you were designed by the Perfect Creator who makes no mistakes and has a purpose for every stroke He brushes into your life. I hope you will rip any limiting label off of your life as I have removed mine.

 

Who Am I?

I am an Image Bearer (Gen. 1.27)

I am held in everlasting arms (Deuteronomy 33.27)

I dwell in security (Deuteronomy 33.28)

I He is God – I am not (Job 38;42)

I am protected (Psalm 121:7)

I am intimately known (Psalm 139.3)

I am hemmed in behind and before (Psalm 139.5)

I am not overwhelmed by the darkness (Psalm 139.11-12)

I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139.14)

I am skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth (Psalm 139.15)

I am with You (Psalm 139.18)

I am altogether beautiful and there is no blemish in me (Song 4:7)

I am ransomed (Isaiah 43.3)

I am precious, honored, and loved in His sight (Isaiah 43.4)

I am clay; He is the potter (Isaiah 45.9)

I am not forgotten (Isaiah 49.15)

I am inscribed on the palm of Your hand (Isaiah 49.16)

I am healed by His scourging (Isaiah 53.5)

I have been crucified for (Isaiah 53)

I am an oak of righteousness, the planting of the LORD for His Glory (Isaiah

61:3)

I am clothed with garments of salvation (Isaiah 61.10)

I am wrapped in a robe of righteousness (Isaiah 61.10)

I am called by a new name (Isaiah 62.2)

I am a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD (Isaiah 62.3)

I am a royal diadem in the hand of My God (Isaiah 62.3)

I am delighted in (Isaiah 62.4)

I am rejoiced over (Isaiah 62.5)

I am sought after, not forsaken (Isaiah 62.12)

My righteous deeds are like filthy garments (Isaiah 64.6)

I am a sheep (Ezekiel 34.31)

I have a new heart. My old heart of stone has been traded for a heart of

flesh. (Ezekiel 38.26)

I am pursued (Hosea 2.14)

I am exulted over with His joy (Zephaniah 3.17)

I am quieted by His love (Zephaniah 3.17)

I am rejoiced over with shouts of joy (Zephaniah 3.17)

The very hairs of my head are numbered (Matthew 10.30)

I am sent (Matthew 28.19)

My name is recorded in Heaven (Luke 10.20)

I have been given the Kingdom (Luke 12.32)

I am satisfied (John 6:35)

I know the Good Shepherd and He knows me (John 10.14)

I am chosen (John 15.16)

I have peace (John 16.33)

I am interceded for (John 17)

I have the Holy Spirit (John 16.13)

I am not disappointed in hope because the love of God which has been

poured out within my heart through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5.5)

I am dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus (Romans 6.11)

I am not condemned (Romans 8.1)

I have received a spirit of adoption as a daughter of God (Romans 8.15, 16)

I am foreknown, predestined, called, justified, and glorified (Romans 8.30)

I am a conqueror through Jesus (Romans 8.37)

Nothing can separate me from the love of God: neither death, nor life, nor

angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things future, nor powers,

nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing (Romans 8.37-39)

I am a vessel of mercy prepared beforehand for glory (Romans 9.23)

I have the mind of Jesus (1 Cor. 2.16)

My bo

dy is a temple of God (1 Cor 6.19)

I am not my own (1 Cor 6.20)

I have been bought with a price (1 Cor 6.20)

I will not be overcome by temptation (1 Cor 10.13)

I am a part of a body (1 Cor 12.12)

I am fully known (1 Cor 13.12)

I have victory through Jesus (1 Cor 15.57)

I am the fragrance of Christ to God (2 Cor 2.15)

I am free (2 Cor 3.17)

I am being transformed into the glory of the Lord (2 Cor 3.18)

I am an ambassador for Christ (2 Cor 5.20)

I am the righteousness of God (2 Cor. 5.21)

I am made strong in my weakness according to the power that is at work in

me (2 Cor 12.9-10)

I have been crucified with Christ (Galatians 2.20)

I live by faith in the Son of God (Galatians 2.20)

I am redeemed (Galatians 4.5)

I am blessed with every spiritual blessing (Eph. 1.3)

I am chosen in Him before the foundation of the world (Eph 1.4)

I am holy and blameless before Him (Eph 1.4)

I am predestined to adoption as a daughter in love (Eph 1.5)

I am freely bestowed upon in the Beloved (Eph 1.6)

I have redemption through His blood (Eph 1.7)

I have the forgiveness of my trespasses according to the riches of His grace

(Eph 1.7)

I am lavished on with His grace (Eph 1.8)

I have obtained an inheritance (Eph 1.11)

I have been sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise (Eph 1.13)

I have been made alive together with Christ (Eph 2.5)

I am seated in Christ in the heavenly places (Eph 2.6)

I am saved by grace through faith as a gift from God (Eph 2.8-9)

I am His workmanship created for good works which God prepared

beforehand so that I may walk in them (Eph 2.10)

I have been brought near by the blood of Christ (Eph 2.13)

I am to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head (Eph 4.16)

I have a new self which in the likeness of God has been created in

righteousness and holiness of the truth (Eph 4.24)

I am a child of the Light (Eph 5.8)

I am exposed in the Light (Eph 5.13)

I am the Bride of Christ (Eph 5.23)

I am being perfected until the day of Christ Jesus by Him who began that

good work in me (Phil 1.6)

It is God who is at work in me both to will and to work for His good pleasure

(Phil 2.13)

I am in need of nothing (Phil 4.19)

I am now reconciled through Christ’s death (Col 1.22)

I have been made complete (Col 2.10)

I have been made alive together with Him (Col 2.13)

My debt is canceled and nailed to the cross (Col 2.14)

I am being sanctified entirely (1 Thess 5.23)

I am an example of Christ’s perfect patience for those who would believe in

Him for eternal life. (1 Tim 1.16)

I have been given a spirit of power, and love and self-control (2 Tim 1.7)

I have been saved and called with a holy calling according to His own

purpose and grace (2 Tim 1.8)

I can draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that I may

receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4.16)

I am a part of the great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12.1)

I am disciplined by God (12.10)

I am never left nor deserted (Hebrews 13.5)

I have an inheritance which is imperishable, undefiled, reserved in heaven,

protected by the power of God (1 Pt 1.4-5)

I am redeemed with precious blood, unblemished and spotless, the Blood of

Jesus (1 Pt. 1.19)

I am a chosen race (1 Pt. 2.9)

I am a royal priesthood (1.Pt. 2.9)

I am a Holy nation (1 Pt. 2.9)

I am a woman for God’s own possession (1 Pt. 2.9)

I have received mercy (1.Pt. 2.10)

I am healed by His wounds (1.Pt. 2.24)

I have everything pertaining to life and godliness through the true

knowledge of Him who has called me (2 Pt. 1.3)

I am a partaker of the divine nature through His precious and magnificent

promises (2. Pt. 1.4)

I am a daughter of God because of His great love bestowed on me (1 John

3.1)

I am purified by the hope fixed on Jesus (1 John 3.3)

I am from God (1 John 4.4)

I have One in me who is greater than he who is in the world (1 John 4.4)

I am loved (1 John 4.18)

(author unknown)

A More Beautiful You- Jonny Diaz