Labels: Update

I wonder if people feel that way with God. Some people don't acknowledge God unless there is a crisis or a religious holiday. Perhaps some people get the same fear and guilt that I had as a child going in for my dental checkup when they go to Him so rarely.

There's no need to feel that mess of anxiety and guilty emotions, thankfully with God. He’s not looking into your life only when you call on Him or go to church or temple. He’s looking every minute of every day. He knows every crevice in your heart, be it inclined to walk with Him, put Him on the back burner or sincerely not believe in Him at all. He sees your heartaches, your joy and He knows your greatest fear.

When you walk into a building or hit your knees for the first time in a long time (if not the first time ever) there's nothing new He's discovering about you. It may be new for you and He knows that and He's with you, but while you may be acknowledging Him on a less than regular basis, He is your father, He has never forgotten you.

We can all develop spiritual cavities when we neglect our relationship with God. We need not fear though, that He’ll find out something He doesn’t already know when He examines us. He examines us with His love and mercy constantly.

Does He forgive us when we fall? Without a doubt, He most certainly does. What if we've more than fallen, what if we have neglected Him and His love for us our whole life, will He really forgive that? Absolutely! Why would he forgive someone who has basically acted so disrespectful towards Him their whole life? Don't we need to work a little or a lot before He'll think about forgiving us? Not one thing is required except believing that your sins are forgiven as a result of the crucifixion of Jesus. (I realize it's a bizarre concept, but when I first believed it changed my life, I don't care how bizarre it sounds, it is the foundation of my entire being as a result of the freedom I received when I first believed)

Think about it, who needs forgiveness? Is it not when we've blown it that we need forgiveness? While we have standards for forgiveness, we hold those who have hurt us up to our man made measuring stick before we'll forgive them, that is our deal not God's. He is not man; He does not require all these things for forgiveness. He's not saying, "Well now if you'll come to church regularly, if you start to pray differently, if you never do that again, then you'll be worthy.

Nope, that’s what the Cross is all about, forgiveness and mercy offered freely to all who believe. If you believe God loves you and if you believe that the sacrifice of God's only son on a cross for crimes He did not commit was punishment enough for whatever it is that you believe is so bad about you, you will be free.

You may not think you need to be free, but if you are carrying guilt around over everything you've done wrong, honey you are in bondage.

They answered him, "We are Abraham's descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?"

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed John 8:31-36

God is love, it is something so deep so foreign to us. His infinite love is impossible for us to understand as our minds are finite, but it is not impossible to believe. It does, however, require a leap of faith and I'm not going to pretend that's easy.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16

Are you waiting to clean yourself up before you go in to His throne room? Let me assure you of something there is nothing in your life or your heart that He does not know about. Simply going before Him, recognizing that His grace and forgiveness is enough for you to experience the love He's already offered you personally.

Sure, just like it’s best to care for your teeth between visits, it is best to keep a strong connection with God between heavy needs and religious holidays. Don’t be fearful if you fall, though. There’s no one more forgiving, no one more understanding, no one more able than Jesus.

Go see Him right now, don’t worry about an appointment, don’t worry about what you’ve neglected, He loves you more than you could ever imagine and He’s always available, no appointment necessary.

Labels: Reconnecting with God

Imagine being in that season and going to the mail box. What if you pulled out a letter from your older, wiser self? What might it say?

If I had to choose only one season in life to send a letter to (which would not be an easy decision), it would be the “new-mother” version of me. As an at-home-mom, life felt especially grueling. In addition to the physically and emotionally challenging parts- what with a relatively new husband and a mess of small children- I was pretty far off base about what I thought I knew was true.

On the one hand, it was truly blissful. All my childhood dreams had come true. I had a husband whom I loved very much. I have always loved babies and there I was with a nest of them. I loved nursing and caring for them, I loved their little clothes and holding them tight, even in the wee hours of the night.

As close to my fantasy world as it all was, I was caught off guard by the unexpected challenges and disappointments I encountered along the way. The whole experience of ‘married with children’ panned out a bit differently than I had always anticipated. I found myself caught up in the expectations of this world. I was trapped somewhat in the disappointment that accompanies the comparisons of what I had, versus what I thought I should have, or what others had. (Not that I’m fully over that sin!) I gleaned my ideals especially in regards to my husband and his contributions to my life from what I thought should be from the TV, movies or who knows exactly where.

Now, I am certain I’m not the only young at-home-mom who has sat in a kitchen with the equivalent to macaroni and cheese on the floor, dried spit-up down the back of a tired T- shirt, exhausted from a long night, planning some type of a covert move to the bathroom (in hopes of an unlikely 20 seconds alone in there).

It would take swift and strategic actions if it were to be accomplished at all. It would mean arranging things so that little minds would be engaged elsewhere, but little bodies were not at risk of getting hurt. I wasn’t a TV mom so I had to get creative. Perhaps other girls in my age bracket, the non at-home-moms or non-moms-at-all, may have been all dressed up in their clean business attire, sitting in fancy-schmancy meetings, having intellectual conversations, utilizing their degrees- perhaps strategically designing an interior for a client’s new home or the next Coke-a-Cola add. I was planning a trip to the bathroom alone.

Life was a juggling act for me. I have always been great at spontaneity and not so great at organization. To put it bluntly I was young with 3 little boys under 31/2, I had little to no faith, (that came later Praise God!), the whole situation was wild, chaotic and intellectually unstimulating.

Meanwhile, my husband would be heading out the door every morning like clock work. He’d look great all dressed up, clean ironed clothes, state-of-the-art electronic gadgets in tow, looking sharp as a tack. He’d walk leisurely to his car all alone. He’d drive off to work listening to whatever struck his fancy and it no doubt didn’t have the words “duck” or “quack quack quack” in it. In my mind, I was certain he’d be greeted by a relaxing cup of coffee and a leisurely bathroom break all alone. Certainly he’d get accolades for the hard work he was involved in. His projects were really cool and they were making a difference in the community, we could all see the fruit of his labor.

He’d get to fly on airplanes while the flight attendants waited on him when he wasn’t sleeping. His business trips included restaurants and hotels where the beds were made, the meals prepared and the dishes were done all by someone else. He got to sleep through the entire night (without someone else’s pee waking him up) and no doubt in his big comfy bed.

I was certain I had gotten the short end of the stick. I was certain he was in the lap of luxury while I was fighting the latest virus from the ball pit a Chuck E Cheeses.

Now this was my side of the story. As I matured I finally learned his side had been extremely different. In regards to his travel he was probably bummed out every day that he had to go off and leave us for such a long periods. Perhaps while he sat on lonely plane rides, or ate alone in restaurants thousands of miles away from home, he imagined we were all home playing fun games, while laughing and enjoying each other’s company every waking hour.

Perhaps he envied the fact that I could wear whatever I wanted to, while his neck was bound up in a tie. He might have thought I loved each day because most of my activities involved my best girlfriends and their kids at some type of park. I’m certain, in addition to whatever else he thought about my days at home; he no doubt had some illusion that there was a lot of time spent eating Bon Bons; while he was slaving away at his grueling job.

So I look back at the misconception we probably both had, and think I wish I’d known then what I know now. I wish I could have seen what was really happening. I’d love to look back and feel I was more supportive and less resentful. I could have been a much better wife and made his life easier. In the long run, through all his hard work and dedication, he certainly has made my life easier.

Fifteen years later I look at the man I married with unbelievable gratitude and appreciation. I can see from a different vantage point, the sacrifices he made and what he did for me and our children. I was so blessed to be able to stay home and be a wife and a mother and yet there was so much of me feeling resentful and disappointed at the time.

So if I could write a letter to me, it would be something like this:

Now sweetheart, there is a big picture of your life and you are in a small piece of it right now. You are so tangled up and dragged down in what you want, what you can’t do, what you wish you had, and how burdened you are. Poor me, poor me, poor me! (I’d spare her the hard cold truth, that it is simply a nauseating amount of self-centeredness and complaining)

You are missing the blessing of how hard your husband is working. You don’t understand the reasons behind it or the process involved. He is driven so hard, in large part, so he can provide for you. However, instead of getting your support and encouragement you resent the amount of work and dedication he is applying to his career.

One day you will wear clothes that are pressed and dry cleanable, you will be able go to the bathroom alone. You will be able to do many things, beyond your widest dreams, one day; all because he is working so hard for you today.

The effort he his putting in is actually building a foundation for your life for your future, together and as a family. Stop for a minute and remember how much he loves you. Stop envying what you do not have, stop looking at other situations and finding yourself in discontentment. Start supporting him as he labors on towards a great goal. Be a team member with a winning attitude.

When he gets on an airplane, rather than resent his alone time and the service he’ll receive from others, send him away with sweet kisses. Assure him that your end of the deal will be covered and he doesn’t need to worry about you and your children. Make certain he knows when he gets home you’ll be here waiting for him with open arms and loving heart.

When he misses dinner for a late night at the office, don’t be mad that he didn’t appreciate all the effort you applied towards making a nice meal. Take him a plate to the office with a sweet smile and assurance that you’ll be waiting for him when he’s finished. When he does finally get home, have the kids in bed, take some time to gussie up and make every effort to love on him physically.

He will not mind if you spend some of his hard earned money at Victoria Secrets. Don’t think that just because you have a ring on your finger that he doesn’t need you to be more than a mom. Find ways to connect with the woman he married, so he can connect with her too. Make sure you have your priorities in order and make sure that they don’t start with children. He needs to come before them. That’s the best thing you can ever do for your family.

Babysitting seems costly, but it is the best investment you can make. Whether it’s for you alone to connect with yourself or you and your husband together, make certain it is a regular occurrence. Don’t let your identity get morphed into your new role as a mom and expect him to come alongside you as Joe Dad. You married a man, respect that about him and let him be one.

Reality alert: he is not going to the office everyday to take a break from you. He has a plan, he has a goal and it very much involves you. While you are only able to see your future as it applies to the next hour of your life, he has a mind that is able to see your children as young adults ready to head off to college. He wants to be ready for those days ahead. He is steadily laying a foundation. Every day when he leaves the house, he is on a mission. That mission is his way of loving and providing for you.

Stop looking at other scenarios, thinking if he only did XY and Z. Start appreciating him for who he is. Start respecting what he does. Treat him like what he does is valuable to you. Imagine that he’s laboring away solely for you, come alongside him, labor for him.

Get your views about life from God’s perspective, not from the world. Get your nourishment from God, who is more than able to meet your every need. Whether it’s physical, emotional or spiritual, don’t expect that poor man to fill your void, he never will.

Take inventory of what you have everyday, with gratitude. Know that before you know it, it will be all over. That little boy that can’t do a single thing without you, will one day find you to be the most embarrassing person on the planet. You can’t get him to eat his veggies now, but one day you’ll see him put lettuce and tomatoes on his very own sandwich. Chuck E Cheese will seem like a cake walk when you see your son ride Super Man at Six Flags, or go to overnight camp for a week or two. One day you’ll look back at the T shirts and macaroni and thank God that you had the opportunity to spend that type of time with your sweet boys. You’ll realize you actually had the long end of the stick all along.

Labels: Christian Marriage, Encouragement for At Home Mom's, Family Business

What exactly is prayer? How often do you do it? What do I need to do before I start it? Is there really someone listening?

I remember as a new mom, not quite a believer; I was feeling drawn to say grace before dinner. I didn't know how to go about it. I found a book of graces and we read them at the beginning of some meals.

I prayed at church and I prayed at night in bed. My prayers were one sided. I really had no idea what I was doing. I did believe in God, I just didn’t know anything about Him or prayer. I most certainly didn’t know diddly about the Bible.

To be honest, these days, I am in a constant state of prayer. I am so connected with God that I am constantly talking and listening to Him as I go through my days and nights.

I remember, before I was a believer and I'd see Christians 'talk to God'. I was extremely uneasy with that type of thing. Closing your eyes and talking- as if to God, it kind of creeped me out. What I saw people doing was over the top, in my book in those days. I suppose I make people uneasy now. I remember hearing the term 'prayer warrior' and saying, 'that will never be me.'

I love to see God override our own self-doubt with His power and might. I am amazed when people come out of the woodwork asking me for prayer. Somehow they know how blessed I am to carry their needs before God. My prayer life is somewhat public as I tell people when I will pray for them, I am a member of a few prayer groups and well certainly I might start praying in the middle of a conversation- with the right person. How certain people know, catches me off guard.

The purpose here is not to brag about my prayer life, it is to let you know that no matter where you are on your journey, you may find yourself like me, so much closer to the God of the Universe than you ever imagined possible. The thing I have had to accept is that He wants to be connected with me; He wants to be connected with you. Here's the deal, He designed you the exact way you are, so that He could hang out with you. He knows you intimately whether you know him intimately or not. He adores you.

When one first starts to pray, one may feel really weird. "Hi God- are You really there?" One might feel really ashamed. "How can I possibly talk to you after I have ..." One might feel really inadequate, "Thou dost not wantest to speaketh to me-eth righteth?"

Here is a great guide we have used teaching our boys to pray. In the days before sports sucked every living breath out of our bodies and we had time to connect as a family we would do what we call the Family Prayer. It still surfaces but, regrettably less often.

We'd sit in a circle on the floor in the kids’ rooms and go around saying something that correlated to the letter in the acronym ACTS.

ACTS

A- Acknowledge who God is. Each one of use would say something we believed was true about God. That could range from "You love me," "You are capable of delivering me from x,y or z" "You created the earth and the skies...", "You are here with us" Whatever you know is true about God. You will love hearing what your kids know is true about God and you may amaze yourself at what comes from your own mouth when in prayer.

C- Confession. Now some things need to be handled elsewhere, but when I've been caught up in the world, short tempered with my children or disrespectful to my husband, those things show up here. It is healthy for my children to see that I am a sinner in need of a savior as well as them. It is important for them to know how God wants us to handle our sin and that there is a never ending well of forgiveness for the asking.

It's been precocious to hear the children over the years. Most of their confessing involves the way they have treated each other. It has been such a blessing as a mom to hear them acknowledge how they might have been unloving with one another.

T- Thanks Taking a moment to thank God reminds us that all we have, truly is a gift from Him. I know what I'm thankful for but it always helps to say it and for my family to hear it. I love hearing what my boys are thankful for.

S- Supplication. This is a time to go before God and ask for the things we need or desire. I remember my children praying for their friends to learn how to ride their bike or get potty trained. As the years went by their prayers turned to help for friends as they struggled with other issues like mood disorders or the loss of a parent.

They have prayed for our president and our soldiers as well as no one getting hurt on the playground at school. Over the years they have learned how to pray for their needs and how valuable their prayers are.

Just the other day I was overwhelmed by an abundance of five-year-old activity, at the end of a day. Two of my older boys stepped up to my rescue. They began to assist my need and my ten year old signaled he was praying for me. I was so blessed by both these young men of God.

I pray for my boys and my husband like there’s no tomorrow. I pray for their closeness with God. (I pray that they will be way closer to Him than I could dream of being). I pray they will get caught if they are into trouble, so that we can shepherd them into righteousness. (I pray I will get caught too and let me tell you it keeps you on track if you know you’re going to get caught, because you asked that of God.)

I pray for my daughter-in-laws. Of boy do I pray for them. I can't wait to meet them. In addition to their spiritual lives, their protection and purity, I pray at least a few of them will enjoy having their nails done and talking about our hair. I pray my children will reside nearby so I can be an involved grandmother. I pray for our foundation so that when tragedy strikes we will be grounded and prepared to face the giants. I pray for the ambulance that is rushing to an emergency and I pray for you.

Twice a week I meet at my childrens' schools where we pray for their peers, teachers, curriculum, funding, other families and friends within the community. We pray for their relationship with Christ, their influences and the lies they tend to hear from others and the devil in those challenging years. We pray for things done in secrecy to be revealed. You can imagine I pray like crazy for sexual purity for our school. I pray they will be beacons of light in this dark world. We pray for hours per week.

If you are reading this and feeling plagued with guilt because you have never ever prayed for your children, stop right there. We are talking God here. You know the Alpha and The Omega, the great I AM. He is omniscient. He knew from the beginning of time how you'd be feeling and if you start right now, you'll see what a God who loves his child the way God Almighty loves you, can do. Go ahead, give it a whirl.

For years, even as a Christian, I didn't pray for my own children. If you haven't been praying for your kids, maybe someone has, I know someone did that for me.

You can do the ACTS prayer as a family or alone. You can talk to God in English, sign language, Japanese or tongues. He's the ultimate communicator. You can journal to Him, sing to Him or just sit and listen. You can talk to Him here, there or anywhere. On your knees, back, side or feet. The better you get to know Him you may develop a style, but do not think you have to be a certain way to talk to God.

One of the most precious things I have ever heard was a mother who went into her daughter's bedroom on the morning of her wedding. There on her knees was the young bride in prayer with her Heavenly Father, all alone with the door shut. It would be a big day for her. Her purity ring would be given to her husband by her dad, her heart would opened to share with the man her parents had prayed for her whole life. She would be entering this new union on a foundation of her relationship with God.

I hope you realize how much God loves you. He knows everything about you. He's been there all along. You may wonder why He allowed you to have some of the painful experiences you have had, maybe you should ask Him. He knows everything you've ever thought, said or done. He knows the very number of hairs on your head and He treasures you as His sweet child. I hope you are connected with Him. I hope you aren't shutting His love out.

If you want to let me know how I can pray for you specifically, I'd love to hear from you. I know some people have trouble with the comments part of my page, I’m sorry for the challenge. You don't need to apologize to me for not commenting, but know how I love to hear from you. You matter to God beyond anything I could comprehend, but you matter to me also.

Thank you for sharing my heart for God.

Labels: Listening and Obeying God, Parenting Tip, Reconnecting with God

“Annie” arrived at my house dragged down and emotionally burdened. She was complaining about her husband. He had been ‘pawing at her’, even as she was heading out the door. “Can you believe that?” she asked anticipating I'd chime in, in agreement. “I give it to him once a week and that’s a lot more than most of my friends.”

I wanted to be a supportive friend, but in reality I cringed when I thought of God’s wonderful gift to married couples being reduced to a weekly obligation.

From my standpoint men express a lot of their love and leadership in the bedroom. As her complaints spilled out of her mouth, my mind drifted to the vision of a faithful husband desiring to be vulnerable and close to his wife. I was sad knowing her response was one of rolled eyes and a glance to the calendar to see if she had already filled that obligation for the week.

I often catch women complaining about the state of their marriages. My first question is “How’s your sex life?” I can tell you a list a mile long of excuses from pregnancy, new babies, no time, too much to do to irregular cycles.

I am no stranger to obstacles. As parents of four sons we have faced quite a few of our own. With a house full of an endless supply of needy people and days so cram packed with activity, every last bit of energy is sucked out of us like a high power shop-vac.

I am tickled however, when I think of the times and ways that my husband has made me smile when he’s caught me off guard at the most in inopportune moments. It has been a bit of a game and my response is (usually) joy at the opportunity to make him to feel more valuable than anything or anyone else on my busy schedule. After all in my hierarchy of priorities he sits right below the Lord. Having time and energy for both of them is something that brings me great satisfaction.

In response to the girls with the mile long list of why she simply can’t, I always remind her there are many means to one end. When the end is making my man feel like he’s high on my priority list, than even though I’ve just had or was just about to have a baby I have always managed to find a way to do a little something to let him know he comes first.

Our marriage has been so blessed by the confidence my husband has had knowing that no matter what I have going on, next to God, he’s my top priority. If sex is high on his priority list, than I had better make sure it’s high on mine.

It’s the attitude of many women I see that brings rust into a marriage. Many women never break from their mom-mode or their job. They let the burdens of life fill them up so much that the desires of their husband seem more like another burden than a red-hot-lover.

If you are married and in a physical rut try to reframe your attitude about sex. Evaluate your calling from the Lord, is it not to be a helpmeet to your husband? Look at it as a gift and a privilege, a way of building him up and encouraging the one you are tied to for life. It may be easier to hike it up on the priority list if you remember how appealing it was when it was forbidden.

Start right away no matter what state your marriage is in, ask God for the desire to touch him and treat him like you did when you were first at liberty to enjoy that gift from God.

I often don’t see women who are intentional about embracing and fulfilling that part of their husband’s anatomy. Often wives get defensive and snap, “What does he do for me?” or “he could do that with anyone, how can it really be his way of expressing love for me?” My response is: he’s not doing it with just anyone; he’s reaching out for the one woman God gave him.

It’s important that we as women accept what we do not understand. We don’t need to “get” his needs to fulfill them anymore than he needs to “get” ours. We do need to make sure we are encouraging his masculinity and not making him feel like a loser when he approaches us with his desire. If that’s not motivation enough, Christian, look at what the Lord says about it; the wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:4 (NIV)

Rejecting your husband physically is no different than him rejecting your affection. Imagine hearing a romantic song and moving closer to him when you start getting full of warm fuzzy thoughts. Suppose you take that romance inside you and you want to share it with him. Now envision how you might feel if he put up an invisible wall, checked the calendar, rolled his eyes and said, “Not tonight, there’s no way, please don’t even think of getting into that now.”

I believe men face that all too often from their wives.

We aren’t men; we can’t understand what sex is for them. We know at a rather young age it begins to manifest itself in their lives and to a certain degree, we tend to view it as an untamed part of their composition. We don’t seem to realize how that translates into them telling us that they love us. If we can honor God, accept what we do not understand and still give it a high priority ranking the result is marriages become unbelievably transformed.

If you start your day with priorities of God and then your sex life (married ladies) you’d be amazed at how your marriage will be transformed. Maybe it means taking a nap instead of finishing your chores. For some people it means putting on an afternoon pot of coffee and some lipstick before he walks in the door. Maybe it means putting away your preschool apron and muumuu and busting out a mini shirt and a pair of boots.

Surprise him with a date, call him up at work and lure him home for a nooner. Retrain you mind to see sex as a something valuable for him and decide how you can give him that gift every day if he wants it.

I’ve encountered women who have had big stumbling blocks like past sexual abuse or other similar circumstances; to those dear souls I say go get some counseling. What Satan intended for evil God intended for good. Others are too beaten inside to even think of such vulnerability with their husbands, again get counseling. Your marriage is never going to get better if you aren’t willing to give this to you husband freely and if you can’t you need help - get it!

Annie came to my house for a bible study that morning and I believe she went home with a fresh attitude towards her husband. How’s your attitude toward your sex life?

Labels: Christian Marriage, Encouragement for At Home Mom's, Supporting Your Husband

Today my writing is directed toward a specific audience. There are so many people in this world whose hopes and dreams have become shattered by the condition of their marriage.

This type of pain can be overwhelming; it reaches to the depths of our hearts. It can become difficult to get our mind and heart around what is happening; it is hard admit and even harder to talk about. The destruction can become so powerful that it truly appears as if there is no hope whatsoever, but what are we to do?

You may be able to relate to much of what is said here or perhaps you know someone who possibly can. Some couples argue, but what I am talking about is a level so deep that it draws one to the doors of divorce. My intention in writing this is to encourage and assist with a bit of navigational advice. It is for anyone who is in the midst of shattered dreams, aching hearts and possibly feeling abandoned by God.

Over and over I come into contact with women who are in marriages that are steeped in this kind of pain. While each scenario is unique, there appears to be few common themes. If some of what I have to say applies to you, take it a la carte. Be forewarned girlfriend; don't dismiss what you don't like without sober self-evaluation. Our own deception of our contribution to the hurt can often block the healing process. I have no doubt it is all his fault, but please be supple to the nudging of the Lord if there is an area where you need to be broken or polished.

Before you read this, I would challenge you to pray this prayer.

Dear Lord,

I am exhausted from hurting. I truly can't stand the pain any longer. I have asked for You to deliver me, over and over. It feels as though You aren't listening to me in this area. I am at the end of my rope I desperately need You to intervene, I am losing faith that I can count on You. Oh God prove me wrong!

If there is an area where I am resisting You're guidance, Oh God, please open my heart to Your truth. Break through the barrier of my hard heart. Help me to rest on the solid footing of Your truth and not the varying state of what I feel. I need solid footing as much as I need to be elevated from this painful place of emotional agony.

Give me the faith to believe You can do this, even though I have lost faith and hope. Give me the perseverance Oh God to follow the path You have set out for me. Set my heart free from this pain Oh God, guide me.

Most importantly God, set me free from the captivity of lies that is convincing me I am doing everything I can, show me what I need to do and give me the strength to do it. I am convinced that the reason things aren't moving is because of my spouse. Free me from the lies and the temptation to believe that being alone would be better than being in this bond.

Today Oh God of New Beginnings, I ask for a clean start. I ask for the ability to grant a fresh start to he who has wounded me, no matter how bad the sin against me has been.

Help me through this Oh God. It hurts; I am weary and sick of trying. Give me the faith that You are God and that You can move mountains even though this seems impossible.

Painful Marriage 101

So you arrived at the point you always dreamed of as a little girl: the man, the party, the flowers, the dresses and oh the plethora of gifts. I personally went through a minor setback when it was all over, I loved being the bride.

Some time has passed maybe a little, maybe a lot. Maybe there are kids, maybe teenagers or grown children. The pressures of life have set fully in. You’re caught a bit off guard with your feelings towards your husband, wasn’t this union supposed to be the best thing that ever happened to you? At some point you realize it has been really hard for a really long time.

When you first married him, you believed it would be the perfect ending to your youth. You had a bit of reserve at the altar but overall you had a heart full hope. You were convinced because of marriage everything would perfect, forever and ever. After all, isn’t that what happened to Cinderella, Snow White and Maria Von Trap?

For some people there is a crash from wedded bliss. All the hopes and dreams disappear rather quickly, leaving them in the reality of an outright depressing life. Others don’t feel the pressure until life begins to get difficult.

For some it feels like a nightmare when they think about who they are married to. The way they are treated by their husband is so poor, they a horrified to even admit it.

Dreams have been replaced with the feeling of captivity. You know you can’t live like this forever, but what do you do? You don’t want it to end, but it has become so distant from what you ever wanted. Your intentions were so pure but possibly you feel like God has let you down.

You are really hurting, your dreams have been demolished and you are really tempted to believe that somewhere along the way you made a mistake. This isn't how it was supposed to be, you know that, but now what? Maybe you’ve prayed you heart out, read every book that applies, gone to counseling, tried to change and you are exhausted. Possibly you begin to hate him, resent him and wonder what you're life would be like without him.

You start entertaining thoughts that take you in a direction away from this misery and away from your commitment. Thoughts of division and surrender begin to replace the feelings that were established on a foundation of hope. Perhaps there is someone else who finds you really special. You begin feeling like you made a mistake at the altar.

'There is no way God had this in mind,' you become convinced. 'If only I hadn't...If only I did ....instead then for sure I'd have what I have always wanted, right?' Wrong!!!

That seems to be lie numero uno! The ‘I made the mistake in whom I married lie’. I've heard it a dozen times. The truth is if you married him, I don't care how convinced you are that you made a mistake, he is your husband and it is possible for that relationship to bear fruit once again. Don’t listen to the lies you are hearing right now that I don’t know how bad it is or how hard you’ve tried.

Right now I want you to set a stake in the ground claiming the end of the particular relationship as it is. Turn a new direction, let it end. I am not saying divorce, but within the confines of that commitment you can change things. You need to step differently, with God as your strength, and say “this is over”. Again I am not saying divorce; I am saying the way the relationship is going can end when you make the claim that you are done with that path. It is destructive and you are getting off right now.

Now replace the lies of hopelessness with what you know is true, even if you don’t at all feel it. “I believe there is something I don’t know that could be better than what I do know.” “I believe there is hope in spite of my hopeless feelings.” “I am willing to forgive.” “I am willing to have patience.”

Now when you think about your spouse can you list three good things? It may seem impossible. Does he provide financially? Does he remember your birthday? Is he polite around your family? Does he express nice things to you with his words? Does he go to church, even on occasion? Is he faithful? Is he a good father? Is he handsome?

OK so when the barrage of horrible things about him comes into play in your mind, I want you to meditate on the good things. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t allow the negative to take precedence anymore? Get rid of it once and for all, you will never move forward if you do not let yourself see the good in him. If you absolutely cannot find one thing; earnestly ask God, “God give me your eyes for this man.” I guarantee God adores him, no matter how horrible you think he is.

If he’s hurting you, pull back. He’s not welcome to have the best of you until he gets his act together. If you are a child of God, that makes you a princess. Sometimes we need to double check that our Tierra is atop our head. While we need to be loving and respectful, only a prince who has asked our Father for our hand is worthy of our hearts. (This primarily applies to the woman who is abused, if that is not you; please don’t come needle me unless you have a better approach. The abused woman needs to remember her identity in Christ and her value in the eyes of God before she can submit in a Godly manner to an abusive husband.)

“I am a princess, my father is a King. I am not available to continue this road until you ask my Father for my hand.” I bet he will. If he does not recognize the value you are to God and treat you with the tenderness that he is called to, you will need to pursue health on your own. He will not treat you with love if you allow him to hurt you. I am not suggesting divorce, rather an emotional distancing until you are both healthy. Yes, even if it is he who is doing the hurting you my dear need help also, independent of him.

You are convinced he's wrong. He never... and that's pretty basic right? You've told him a gazillion times and he just doesn't hear you. He never listens, you'd be fine with a little ... Everyone else's husband... why can't mine?

You might feel like he's really bad. He's mean. My feelings are legitimate. I really can't take it anymore. He's an alcoholic, he's addicted to pornography, he gambled away all our money, he doesn't discipline our children, he watches too much TV, he never asks me how I am, he hates my mother or my sister, he doesn't work hard enough, he works too hard, he makes bad decisions, he doesn’t engage me, he has a girlfriend, he hurts me, I don't respect him...

If you are caught up in that cycle, you need to get off. Put on the brakes! You are absolutely right, this is not what God intended for you, but that does not mean this is not who God intended for you.

Own it! Don't cover it up, don't wish it away. Don't just hope one day you'll wake up and things will feel differently; you need to make a change. You need to be proactive. An unhealthy marriage is just that, unhealthy.

If you have cancer do you think it will disappear one day? No you stop everything and address it head on! You value your life, can you not value you marriage with the same type of devotion? Don't assume you need to get health together, if he won’t be apart of it, persevere on your own. You need to get yourself healthy before you can contribute to the marriage. If you marriage is unhealthy, I don’t care how sick he is, you are sick as well. It’s time to get your eyes off of him.

I have no doubt it is all his fault, however, I need to ask you a thing or two. Are you intelligent? Are you talented and capable? Are you plenty competent to make decisions without him, do you? If the answer is yes than there is a good chance you are overshadowing him with your charisma and personality. He's probably spent with all your energy and talent. Unless you have led him to believe otherwise, he probably feels like his ideas really stink! Could you have possibly made him feel that way? Could you have possibly torn him down with your words, by dismissing his suggestions, pulling away from his advances or making him look bad in public?

I know there is a great chance he's mean and unloving, but is it at all possible that for a good while you were taking the lead, not making him feel like a man and now he's just flat out angry and tired of trying. Maybe his idea of a wife was different too. You think you're a darn good wife; you are trying so hard, you do everything in your power to save this marriage, but could your spirit be perhaps a little less than quite and gentle? Might he have hoped for in a wife who was a bit more respectful, encouraging and forgiving of his shortcomings?

Maybe there is a different thing going on, maybe you pretty much hate where you are. You are overwhelmed; you are envious of his ability to do something you can't. The last thing on your mind is having him touch you or taking the energy to look appealing for him. Are you able to break free of that mindset and ignite a physical connection, if appropriate?

The saying is true, if we just do it, the feelings will follow. Get God involved. 'God give me the courage, the desire, the strength, the sweetness, the sensitivity. Help me to love him, even though I don’t want to.' Your physical relationship with your husband is a gift from God. Society makes it dirty and trashy, but let me assure you it was formed in the mind of Our Lord and He gave it to people to enjoy who have made a covenant with Him and each other. Where are you on that path? Are you enjoying the gift God gave you?

Maybe he abuses you. Maybe he says things that hurt so incredibly deep in your soul despite the fact you do everything you possibly can to please him. Have you possibly lost touch with yourself? He is not going to fall in love with you again if you are not the person he married. If you pull away to get healthy, there is an excellent chance that when you are strong again he will be attracted to you and you can start over.

There is hope for you and for your marriage. You need to pull away. You need to withdraw or you'll never be able to see straight. Even if it seems like it's all him, if there is pain in your marriage it is both of you. You need to get your eyes off of him entirely, until you are ready to come back with a heart willing to love again.

You need to rediscover who you are; pursue your own interests for a season. You need to identify with the woman he fell in love with.

Give him a fresh chance. He may not change, but every time you can, break away from the past pain and give him a fresh start, even if it is seven times seventy times per day. Let me promise you, he doesn't want to hurt you. If he hurts you, it is because he is hurting. He hates himself for hurting you; he may not act like it, but let me assure you he wants nothing more than to love you the way you desire.

Give him a chance. Have faith in God. Be willing to admit you aren’t perfect and stop focusing on his shortcomings.

Let me know how God moves a mountain in you life!

Fire Proof Your Marriage

Resurrection

Labels: Christian Marriage, Dissapointment with People, Encouragement for At Home Mom's, Supporting Your Husband

I wouldn't say I was dressed immodestly whatsoever but when I reached the checkout stand at the Amish Farm where I was buying my milk when all of a sudden I had different perspective. It was winter time; I was wearing a pink ruffled hoodie, blue jeans and clogs. Perfectly modest in my world but as I looked at the man wearing a wide brim hat, overalls without buttons and whose wife, daughters and mother always wore a bonnet, long sleeves and boots; suddenly I felt like I was in the equivalent to a string bikini.

It dawned on me that the man was not accustomed to seeing women in anything other than basic loose fitting clothes. I began to feel as though I could possibly be putting him in a situation that might cause him to entertain less than holy thoughts. It was not a huge deal, he didn’t act odd but it caused me to take more consideration into my outfits on future visits. Admittedly I felt like wearing a long skirt, a long sleeve blouse, boots and a bonnet but settled with the most unappealing outfit I could find.

The same effect must be moderately true for some non-Amish men when they see some of the skin that females tend to bare these days. While many girls may have brothers who are accustomed to seeing them in bikinis on a regular basis I can assure you not all boys have that exposure. To go to a pool and have female flesh flaunting around might cause many young men and older ones to-boot to find themselves entertaining less than holy thoughts. I know many men who work very hard to keep their eyes only on what was intended for them. For many that blessing has not been bestowed yet. I believe a group of high school boys in my church held a bible study at one point tackling the issue of how they were going to handle the immodesty that is in the world. They wanted to address what they were faced with as young men of God. It was called Modest is Hottest.

I am not going to suggest what anyone wear to a pool, but I am going to state what I have not always been aware of; the way we dress does affect others. There is a difference between looking cute and looking sexy. I am amazed at the fathers who don’t realize what they may be putting my sons up against when their little girls run around in something smaller than their pinky.

Women are not generally moved by appearance the way men are and I think we often don’t quite realize the effect our bathing suits might have on the men around us.

Keep in mind ladies; you can be perfectly cute in a tankini, swim shorts, a swim skirt or a wetsuit (haha). Parents, please keep this message in mind when your developing daughter wants to grace the world with her beautiful new curves. It might be more advantageous to grace the world with her beautiful spirit, sweet smile and save that figure for her husband to enjoy by himself one day.

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a women to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” MATTHEW 5:27-28 (NIV)

“As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a lovely woman who lacks discretion.” PROVERBS 11:22 (NIV)

Labels: Parenting Tip