The other day a friend of mine dropped by in the middle of the afternoon; she found me napping.  Later, she asked me if I was sick.  “No, I’m not sick,” I said, “I’ve been too tired to have sex with my husband, and thought I should do something about it.”

When the house is quiet in the middle of the day and I can get a ton of things done; the last thing I want to do is waste that precious time with a nap.  However, it’s important I plan ahead because the clear need for the nap could be glaring me in the face of my weary body, later in the evening.

I know I will wish I had sacrificed the time of getting done what I wanted to and taken the nap. When my work is done for the day, when I can turn everything off and sink into my bed, there I will be my body collapsed from the physical and emotional exertion that comes with being a mom and I’m ready for some serious sleep when I notice something that does not fit into my plans. My best friend in the world is right there next to me somehow indicating he could use a little company now that his stress-filled day is over also. While I am ready to crash, he is ready to connect.

I want to be there for him but if I don’t carve time out of my day to prepare for him, what he will get from me is one flat out exhausted wife who acts like the last thing on her priority list is her husband.

Recently we moved and that literally sucked every bit of energy out of me.  It became a nightly pattern of me having the best intentions of connecting with my husband but in reality my head hit the pillow and before I had any last thing to say, I’d be off into the mode of recuperation.

“You going to sleep?” he’d ask sweetly.  The guilt sets in as I know full well he wants someone to hang out with after his long day.  If nothing else he just needs my friendship.  I want desperately to be there for him, my heart is all over it but my body has given its last burst of energy and we both know that despite my most sincere intentions I am gone for the night.

Still on the heels of a move, a mother of four, there’s a lot to do but I recognize that if I leave my responsibilities for a while and rest during the day; when I lay in bed at night next to my husband/best friend I will have something to offer him besides a worn out woman who is plenty happy to cuddle but …desperately needs to sleep.

Making my husband a priority needs to be 2^nd on my list of all time personal goals (which I need to set and keep).  If I put my kids before my husband they will never have the foundation of a happy marriage and if I put my husband before my relationship with the Lord, we will never have a marriage that is built on the solid foundation that comes with putting God’s will above all else.

If I don’t keep these priorities in order then I may be a great mom or wife, I may be good at the other things I do, but I will never have the fullness of what God intended for me.

My 1^st and foremost priority is my relationship with The Lord.

If my relationship with God is off, everything in life is off and when a storm hits, which I know it will, I will not be prepared.  I need to focus all my energy in this area of my life, if it is not right.  When it is right, I will have everything I need to proceed with the rest of my life.

Without making God my number one priority I will not be girded up with truth, I will not be standing on the firm foundation that comes with knowing the Lord personally and allowing Him to nourish me with His love and forgiveness. When I don’t spend time with Him, even though I know He never changes, I lose my security in His provision and omniscience.  My relationship with God is my number one priority.

When I put Him first, I am assured of where I am headed, even if I feel lost.  I am never alone; I feel love and adoration whenever I need it. I feel understood when it’s easy to feel misunderstood.  I have hope and not desperation regardless of my circumstances.

Perhaps this is a new concept for you and you may wonder how I do that, here are a few ways:

(these are ideals and if I did them perfectly I would not need a savior)

• Prayer Making sure that I am up early enough that the very first greeting every day is for God.  Maybe that’s why I am exhausted at the end of the day but getting up to be with Him alone, in the quiet of my home is the sweetest way to begin each day. I do not tend to chores that are looming or check e mails I spend time with Him.
  
• 
  

I do not restrict my relationship with Him to prayer time- I am constantly in a state of prayer.  I am not walking around on my knees, or reciting the Lord’s Prayer all day long, but I am talking to God about all things.  When I notice a sunrise or a sweet gesture from an innocent child I am likely to whisper, “Thank you God.” I tend to acknowledge His goodness whenever I am taken by it.  When my child does something that concerns me, “Lord, please help him with… (his kindness, honesty, his school work, social skills, work ethic, hygiene)” whatever I am feeling concern over I take immediately to the Lord.   I can turn every thought into prayer never leaving room for worry.

Because I spend so much time with God, part of my identity is being aware of how precious I am to Him. Though I may have doubts when I catch myself sinning; because of my connection with Him, I am more likely to believe the truth instead of the lies that I would otherwise believe about my shortcomings. I am constantly reassured about how absolutely capable He is of handling everything in my life. The alternative to knowing God and investing in a relationship with Him would be to worry and that would otherwise bring me stress.  As I read His word I learn how much more He loves my children and husband than I am even capable of.

This connection with God is possible because, though I am a sinner, I have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus and though my sin was once scarlet red, when I received that forgiveness and Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, my sin was washed white as snow.

• The Bible The best way for me, personally, to get anything out of the Bible is in a Bible study.  I know some people are apprehensive about Bible study, especially if they have never opened a Bible, but we all start somewhere.  Lacking Bible knowledge is truly a silly reason for not going to a Bible study.  Christianity is often interpreted wrong and soured by religion, but truthfully there is no room for shame and guilt over our pasts for the follower of Jesus; each day is a new beginning.  This cleansing is a gift for everyone who believes.  If you open the Bible and don’t understand it, ask God for wisdom.  If you have received His forgiveness the Bible will become alive for you and you will understand why it is so powerful.
• 
  

• Christian Radio I listen almost exclusively to Christian radio. Not because it is my all-time favorite music, although I do really like it, but because it fills me with ideas of hope and understanding about how I feel. Christian radio never leads me into despair, it never causes my mind to feel resentful or jealous, and it never puts ideas of sin in my head. It is a constant reinforcement of how loved I am, how blessed I am and though I am a sinner who goes astray or questions my beliefs from time to time it is always a reminder of how forgiven I am. Even the News is presented from a foundation of hope, never gloom.  Christian radio is sprinkled with encouragement and hope.
• 
  

• Fleeing the things that cause me to stray Whether it’s what I read, watch on TV or in movies, listen to on the radio or the places I surf on the internet, if they are conflicting to my relationship with God, no matter how much I like them or how good they ‘feel’ I realize I need to discipline myself and flee.  It is a direct conflict to my relationship with God for me to indulge in music that makes me think of things that hurt Him. If He is my number one priority there is no room for anything that sours my peace with Him.
• 
  

The same thing goes for my friends. I choose to be around girls who believe what I do and have the same goals and priorities; if I fall they will lift me up, if I am in sin they point me in the right direction and they will hold me accountable. They will not judge me, gossip about me or tempt me.  As best as they humanly can they will love me.

Defining and pursuing God as my number one priority is a decision that threads the fruit of the spirit into everything else I do.

^{Galatians 5:22}But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (NIV)

IWhen I say ‘It’s Complicated’ I am not referring to one’s intimate relationship with another person, rather a description that appears on so many people’s status which identifies their spiritual beliefs on Facebook.  I certainly get it if people don’t believe what I believe however, as one who knows exactly what I believe come Hell or high-water I think it’s critical for every person alive to dedicate a bit of their life to figuring out exactly what you do

accept as true.

 

As a thirteen year old girl I went through one of the most horrific things I may ever experience. While I was sleeping over at my best friend’s house there was a phone call in the middle of the night. It was the local police department, my friend’s seventeen year old sister, whom I loved, adored and idolized had been thrown from the open door of a swerving Jeep and slammed headfirst into a guardrail post on the side of the highway, in the middle of the night.

In an instant a she was gone. I would never lay eyes on her again.  In addition to my own pain and agony from a personal loss, I witnessed the emotional earthquake that rocked a happy home as a loving family discovered the emotional effect that inflicts a family with the sudden loss of a child.

I vividly remember everything about that night.  I was a young girl; I had a lot of questions.  I had a lot of thoughts about God!

The family was religious; they were very active in their church.  They did more than many people I knew, they went on Wednesday night to choir practice, church every Sunday and they were really involved. Why wouldn’t that type of participation serve as a buffer from this type of catastrophe?  Had they not stored up good deeds, I wondered.   “God needed another angel in Heaven,” I remember one woman say as she was grasping for answers hoping one made since.

It’s been many years since that night and I am a Christian now. I don’t mean I go to church, I have always gone to church, but what I mean when I say I am a Christian is that I believe with every fiber of my being that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe wholeheartedly that He was born of a virgin; He died and rose again, for the forgiveness of sin and resurrection of the dead. This is not something I chant, not something I sing about mindlessly on Christmas and Easter; this is something I believe twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, throughout every high and every low.

Each event, every news story, every good occurrence and every bad thing goes through the filter of truth before I base an opinion on it.  My filter of truth has nothing to do with my feelings because they are as solid as water and depending on my hormones they can sway like a reed in the wind.  There is nothing solid or reliable about feelings.

My faith is based on the Bible; the same Bible that has been around forever.  I often feel good about what I read, but I understand that my feelings are not dependable.  I cannot rely on what I feel when I need answers. Though my feelings may be strong as the dickens that’s all they are; strong feelings. They were equally as strong when I didn’t believe what I believe now.  My feelings are not going to provide answers and support when I need it most.

Relationships based on feelings do not last…feelings change.  This goes for a relationship with God; it must be based on truth if it is ever going to survive life’s storms.

 

 

When I go back to the painful August night in 1983 I now have peace.  For years I was gripped in fear, I felt the need to protect myself, clearly there was no one watching out above or this type of thing wouldn’t have happened.

 

I began to adopt a self-protective mode of ‘I can prevent this type of pain from happening to me, if I stay in control and carefully guard myself.’  I thought ‘what in the world would allow such pain-who in the world?’  ‘I thought I had heard God is love over and over in church- what kind of love is this?’ I rationed.

 

I know now without a shadow of a doubt that there is a God, He has a plan and while His decisions may cause me to hurt from time to time, He is God and I trust EVERTHING about Him, even the things that hurt.  This faith is only strengthened as I devote more of my life to understanding God.  When you hear of a Christian having peace in the midst of a crisis it is because our faith in Jesus is truly the only thing we hold tight to and if it kills us, frankly for the follower of Jesus to die is gain (in God’s perfect timing).

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21 (NIV)

You can think I’m out of my mind, not normal because of my beliefs but I don’t care. Why would I choose to be normal when my life feels so good?  Putting my faith in Jesus, no matter how weird others might view it, has provided a foundation for my life that is more solid and real than anything I could imagine.  I have found what I have been searching for, I will look no further. I have reached my destination on earth; the rest is a journey of fulfillment of a plan that has been divinely created just for me and when it’s over here, it’s time for true Paradise.

For His own purposes God allows things to happen.  Each of our days a have been numbered from the beginning of time, my childhood friend’s days were no different.   God didn’t lose sight of that precious girl, He can’t; He’s God! While we cannot fully grasp His capabilities (as He gave us finite minds and He is infinite), the more time we invest in a relationship with Him the more fully we appreciate how adored we are by Him, each one of us.  When horrific things happen and people get taken away we don’t question His love and provision we simply believe He is doing something greater than we can imagine.

The answer to why He allowed a child to be ripped from the lives of a ‘religious’ family at the tender age of seventeen is more clear to me now that I understand Him; after spending time with Him and reading His word.

One thing I now know is He isn’t after our religion and good deeds.  He’s not into our ‘spirituality’ and our donations- He’s after our hearts!  We can’t earn His love and approval; we already have His love.  We think our religious acts and good deeds are ‘all-that’ but this is what the Bible has to say about our good deeds:

All of us have become like one who is unclean,

and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags Isisah 64:6 (NIV)

Go ahead give to the needy, be a ‘good person’, go to religious services, be ‘spiritual’ but don’t ever think for a minute anything you do is winning brownie points with God.  He knows when you get up and go to sleep, He knows what you watch, where you surf the net and what listen to. He knows how you feel about your mother-in-law and your algebra teacher and …He loves you just the same!

Yes He disciplines us and yes He allows things to happen that hurt but they also draw us near to Him. Personally, it is through the most painful experiences in my Christian life that I have developed the most faith in His provision. He never stops loving us even when we are unfaithful and reject Him, and even when we cannot feel Him.

While a parent may ‘disown’ a child, God will not disown us.  His measure of forgiveness is beyond anything we can even comprehend. It is a gift, it is not deserved and He wants more than anything for us to receive His forgiveness. Have you ever prepared a perfect gift for someone you love so dearly only to have them say ‘no thanks’?  Is that not what we do to God when we reject His grace and forgiveness and we wallow in our own state of being?

A person who has received Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior is an adopted child; we have been bought and paid for by a Father who dearly wanted us and sought us out.  When we blow it (which we will) He’s not going to send us back, He took us at our worse and we’re only getting better as we grow in His presence.  When He took my heart I didn’t even really know if He existed, I know now but sadly I still betray Him.  The difference is I don’t wonder if He’ll forgive me, I know He forgives me; I know He loves me and He desires to spend time with me even though I am a sinner.  My sins are forgiven!

Nothing can separate us from the love of God, no matter how heinous we believe something is. We see things as bad but let me assure you He see things so clearly that our definition of sin and His don’t compare, remember how He sees our good deeds?  Friend, in spite of all His knowledge He still adores us!

³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8; 38-39 (NIV)

Though He is my dearest friend, He is a Holy God; He does require Holiness to be in His presence and we are not holy (no matter how much money send to Haiti). However, He knows full well we are flesh and that we are not holy and He is not expecting us to be something we are not. No matter how hard we try we will never be Holy as long as we live in these bodies that feed on sinful desires.

²⁹They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, Romans 1:29 (NIV)

So then if we are never going to be holy, no matter how hard we try and He requires holiness to be in His presence, what gives?  He provided a way, a bridge so-to-speak and when we believe He loves us and when we believe He is our Father, our Creator and when we believe He desires closeness with us and when we believe He sent His Son to die on the Cross for our sin…we become clean in His infinite sight (no matter how we feel about our mother in law, by the way I have an excellent one!)

When we believe, when we receive, our lives begin to change.  We are relieved of the burden we have carried from the sin we have committed.  Fully relieved- when we understand what Jesus did for us we are washed clean, white as snow no matter WHAT we have ever done!

"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. Isaiah 1:18 (NIV)

He died for the sin of the world…that means your individual sin and mine.  It’s a personal thing. Think of the worst thing you’ve ever done, thought or said.  Imagine Jesus hanging on the Cross with huge nails driven into His hands and feet, a crown of spiky thorns forcefully pressed into the tender flesh of His head. (Now whether you believe He is God or not, this is a historical fact.)

Imagine that He was hanging there, being mocked and teased in sheer agony as punishment for your sin.  Imagine that He willingly went through that barbaric torture because His Father, God loves you so much that He would provide punishment for your sin so you don’t ever have to face the punishment yourself.

Imagine believing that was true. As obscure as it might seem, imagine yourself believing it!  Picture yourself handing Him your entire lifetime of sin, fear, pain regret and anguish.  In that very moment, it leaves you forever. He bears it for you evermore and without end God forgets that you are anything but sinless in His sight through Jesus.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,

he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass,

he flourishes like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone,

and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting

the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,

and his righteousness with their children’s children—

with those who keep his covenant

and remember to obey his precepts. Psalm 103: 8-18 (NIV)

We don’t deserve that kind of forgiveness but God loves us so tenderly that He offered that sacrifice so we could be with Him forever. Maybe it doesn’t feel like something that should be good, God allowing His son to be slaughtered but it’s not about feelings it’s about fact; Jesus died on the Cross. You either believe it was acceptable punishment for you sin in the eyes of God or not! You either deny what the Bible says or you believe it. If you deny it you ought to come up with a good argument as to why you know better than gazillions of Christians throughout history.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;

the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 1:13-31 (NIV)

Jesus was sentenced to crucifixion on a cross for no ‘earthly’ reason than that He claimed to be the Son of God and people don’t like that!

If you ask me, one who was once burdened so heavily with fear, regret and shame yet now feels the indescribable freedom that comes from being washed by the blood of Jesus I will say it is TRUTH!  I know it and frankly I feel it.

Believe what you want, be ‘spiritual’ or let your beliefs be ‘complicated’ but if you reject what I have received because you don’t want to be in an ‘organized’ religion, you need to know what you are doing.

²³ He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters. Luke 11:23 (NIV)

Ask yourself, if your child was taken from you, ‘what part of your ‘spirituality’ will comfort you?’  What will you convey to your children when they experience death or destruction or see it repeatedly on the NEWS?

My immediate family lives or life based on a solid foundation from which we can find strength and provide for others. Nothing I personally say or believe has to do with how I feel.

Our religious status is only ‘complicated’ if we never take the time to figure it out.  Perhaps one of the options for our Facebook status should be, I am too fearful at what might happen to me if I put my trust in Jesus Christ so I’d rather live in fear and frustration carrying the weight of a lifetime of pain, regret and resentment while developing ever changing ideas as to why things are the way they are.

Dear God,

I want to believe You love me, but it’s hard. I don’t even know if You really exist. I think You do, but I have experienced so many painful things and feel so dirty-how could you possibly adore me?  I haven’t done what I was supposed to do, I know that. Regardless of how ‘good’ I have lived my life, I have not acknowledged You the way I should have, why would you forgive me?

Lord, I want peace which passes all understanding in all situations. I want to be free from the heavy burden of my sin. I want to be able to understand pain in the world and have answers for my children but I am scared.

I am willing to believe You exist, I am willing to believe You love me just as I am in spite of my issues and my lifestyle.  Though it sounds so odd I am willing to believe that You sent Jesus to die for my sin (past, present and future).  As truly impossible as it seems, I am willing to believe that I can hand Him or hang every bit of pain from my whole life on that Cross and it will be removed from me forever!

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12 (NIV)

I desire to be full of Your Holy Spirit that will guide me, give me peace and comfort me.

²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. ²⁵Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

Check this out:

What If by Nichole Nordeman

Related Articles

She Wasn't Wearing Her Glasses Today

My Personal Testimony as Aired on TV

Charlotte Cole: Emotionally Bound, Radically Set Free

Every time I hear Brad Paisley sing If I could Write a Letter to Me I get swept up into La La Land. I find myself carried away into the “what ifs” of my own past. Do you ever do that? Do you wonder where on your own timeline you could really use an extra measure of foresight, encouragement or perspective? Is there a place in your past, that when looking back, you find yourself especially “off track”?

Imagine being in that season and going to the mail box. What if you pulled out a letter from your older, wiser self? What might it say?

If I had to choose only one season in life to send a letter to (which would not be an easy decision), it would be the “new-mother” version of me. As an at-home-mom, life felt especially grueling. In addition to the physically and emotionally challenging parts- what with a relatively new husband and a mess of small children- I was pretty far off base about what I thought I knew was true.

On the one hand, it was truly blissful. All my childhood dreams had come true. I had a husband whom I loved very much. I have always loved babies and there I was with a nest of them. I loved nursing and caring for them, I loved their little clothes and holding them tight, even in the wee hours of the night.

As close to my fantasy world as it all was, I was caught off guard by the unexpected challenges and disappointments I encountered along the way. The whole experience of ‘married with children’ panned out a bit differently than I had always anticipated. I found myself caught up in the expectations of this world. I was trapped somewhat in the disappointment that accompanies the comparisons of what I had, versus what I thought I should have, or what others had. (Not that I’m fully over that sin!) I gleaned my ideals especially in regards to my husband and his contributions to my life from what I thought should be from the TV, movies or who knows exactly where.

Now, I am certain I’m not the only young at-home-mom who has sat in a kitchen with the equivalent to macaroni and cheese on the floor, dried spit-up down the back of a tired T- shirt, exhausted from a long night, planning some type of a covert move to the bathroom (in hopes of an unlikely 20 seconds alone in there).

It would take swift and strategic actions if it were to be accomplished at all. It would mean arranging things so that little minds would be engaged elsewhere, but little bodies were not at risk of getting hurt. I wasn’t a TV mom so I had to get creative. Perhaps other girls in my age bracket, the non ‘at-home-moms’ or ‘non-moms-at-all’, may have been all dressed up in their clean business attire, sitting in fancy-schmancy meetings, having intellectual conversations, utilizing their degrees- perhaps strategically designing an interior for a client’s new home or the next Coke-a-Cola add. I was planning a trip to the bathroom alone.

Life was a juggling act for me. I have always been great at spontaneity and not so great at organization. To put it bluntly I was young with 3 little boys under 31/2, I had little to no faith, (that came later Praise God!), the whole situation was wild, chaotic and intellectually un-stimulating.

Meanwhile, my husband would be heading out the door every morning like clockwork. He’d look great all dressed up, clean ironed clothes, state-of-the-art electronic gadgets in tow, looking sharp as a tack. He’d walk leisurely to his car all alone. He’d drive off to work listening to whatever struck his fancy and no doubt it didn’t have the words “duck” or “quack quack quack” in it. In my mind, I was certain he’d be greeted by a relaxing cup of coffee and a leisurely bathroom break all alone. Certainly he’d get accolades for the hard work he was involved in. His projects were really cool and they were making a difference in the community, we could all see the fruit of his labor.

He’d get to fly on airplanes while the flight attendants waited on him when he wasn’t sleeping. His business trips included restaurants and hotels where the beds were made, the meals prepared and the dishes were done all by someone else. He got to sleep through the entire night (without someone else’s pee waking him up) and no doubt in his big comfy bed.

I was certain I had gotten the short end of the stick. I was certain he was in the lap of luxury while I was fighting the latest virus from the ball pit a Chuck E Cheeses.

Now this was my side of the story. As I matured I finally learned his side had been extremely different. In regards to his travel he was probably bummed out every day that he had to go off and leave us for such a long periods. Perhaps while he sat on lonely plane rides, or ate alone in restaurants thousands of miles away from home, he imagined we were all home playing fun games, while laughing and enjoying each other’s company every waking hour.

Perhaps he envied the fact that I could wear whatever I wanted to, while his neck was bound up in a tie. He might have thought I loved each day because most of my activities involved my best girlfriends and their kids at some type of park. I’m certain, in addition to whatever else he thought about my days at home; he no doubt had some illusion that there was a lot of time spent eating Bon Bons; while he was slaving away at his grueling job.

So I look back at the misconception we probably both had, and think I wish I’d known then what I know now. I wish I could have seen what was really happening. I’d love to look back and feel I was more supportive and less resentful. I could have been a much better wife and made his life easier. In the long run, through all his hard work and dedication, he certainly has made my life easier today.

Fifteen years later I look at the man I married with unbelievable respect, gratitude and appreciation. I can see from a different vantage point, the sacrifices he made and what he did for me and our children. I was so blessed to be able to stay home and be a wife and a mother and yet there was so much of me feeling resentful and disappointed at the time.

So if I could write a letter to me, it would be something like this:

Now sweetheart, there is a big picture of your life and you are in a small piece of it right now. You are so tangled up and dragged down in what you want, what you can’t do, what you wish you had, and how burdened you are. Poor me, poor me, poor me! (I’d spare her the hard cold truth, that it is simply a nauseating amount of self-centeredness and complaining)

You are missing the blessing of how hard your husband is working. You don’t understand the reasons behind it or the process involved. He is driven so hard, in large part, so he can provide for you. However, instead of getting your support and encouragement you resent the amount of work and dedication he is applying to his career.

One day you will wear clothes that are pressed and dry cleanable, you will be able go to the bathroom alone. You will be able to do many things, beyond your wildest dreams, one day; all because he is working so hard for you today.

The effort he his putting in is actually building a foundation for your life for your future, together and as a family. Stop for a minute and remember how much he loves you. Stop envying what you do not have, stop looking at other situations and finding yourself in discontentment. Start supporting him as he labors on towards a great goal. Be a team member with a winning attitude.

When he gets on an airplane, rather than resent his alone time and the service he’ll receive from others, send him away with sweet kisses. Assure him that your end of the deal will be covered and he doesn’t need to worry about you and your children. Make certain he knows when he gets home you’ll be here waiting for him with open arms and loving heart.

When he misses dinner for a late night at the office, don’t be mad that he didn’t appreciate all the effort you applied towards making a nice meal. Take him a plate to the office with a sweet smile and assurance that you’ll be waiting for him when he’s finished. When he does finally get home, have the kids in bed, take some time to gussie up and make every effort to love on him physically.

He will not mind if you spend some of his hard earned money at Victoria Secrets. Don’t think that just because you have a ring on your finger that he doesn’t need you to be more than a mom. Find ways to connect with the woman he married, so he can connect with her too. Make sure you have your priorities in order and make sure that they don’t start with children. He needs to come before them. That’s the best thing you can ever do for your family.

Babysitting seems costly, but it is the best investment you can make. Whether it’s for you alone to connect with yourself or you and your husband together, make certain it is a regular occurrence. Don’t let your identity get morphed into your new role as a mom and expect him to come alongside you as Joe Dad. You married a man, respect that about him and let him be one.

Reality alert: he is not going to the office everyday to take a break from you. He has a plan, he has a goal and it very much involves you. While you are only able to see your future as it applies to the next hour of your life, he has a mind that is able to see your children as young adults ready to head off to college. He wants to be ready for those days ahead. He is steadily laying a foundation. Every day when he leaves the house, he is on a mission. That mission is his way of loving and providing for you.

Stop looking at other scenarios, thinking if he only did XY and Z. Start appreciating him for who he is. Start respecting what he does. Treat him like what he does is valuable to you. Imagine that he’s laboring away solely for you, come alongside him, labor for him.

Get your views about life from God’s perspective, not from the world. Get your nourishment from God, who is more than able to meet your every need. Whether it’s physical, emotional or spiritual, don’t expect that poor man to fill your void, he never will.

Take inventory of what you have every day, with gratitude. Know that before you know it, it will be all over. That little boy that can’t do a single thing without you will one day find you to be the most embarrassing person on the planet. You can’t get him to eat his veggies now, but one day you’ll see him put lettuce and tomatoes on his very own sandwich. Chuck E Cheese will seem like a cake walk when you see your son ride Super Man at Six Flags, or go to overnight camp for a week or two. One day you’ll look back at the T shirts and macaroni and thank God that you had the opportunity to spend that type of time with your sweet boys. You’ll realize you actually had the long end of the stick all along.

All too often we give our best to our jobs, ministries or personal interests, while our own family relationships are being neglected or receiving our leftovers, at best. While we are out making ‘someone’ of ourselves, the ones we love the most are often left in the dust of our hard work and the accolades of others.

Recently I sat in a movie theater, next to the love of my life and husband of the last 16 years. My heart was full of gratitude for what God has done in my marriage. I could, however, sadly relate to many of the emotional outbursts, selfish heartaches and areas of temptation as in presented the movie Fireproof.

While we have an incredibly healthy marriage today, we too had faced a similar blazing inferno in our union. We experienced the depth of pain, that no matter how devastating a split would be, it would offer relief from the emotional turmoil in which we were living.

As I related to the couple in the movie, I saw their focus heavily weighed on ‘the areas in which they were contributing as compared to what little their partner was adding’. I could completely remember the identical frustration we both felt in our relationship.

Most couples start out a marriage on a foundation of feelings. As we all know (except for Tom Cruise who will be in the “honeymoon” phase with Katie Holmes forever) feelings just don’t last. The message of Fireproof was a convicting one never leave your partner behind, in a fire.

What a practical message to apply when we are at our whit’s end in a relationship. Recognize that this person is your partner with whom you have made a lifelong commitment. The movie verbalized the hard cold truth that: we say for “better or worse”, but all too often we really only mean for “better”. We are so in love at the time of commitment that we cannot fathom feeling any differently than the way we do about the other person at that moment.

Eventually the rubber meets the road. In many cases the marriage becomes completely hostile. I’m not talking about bickering; I am talking about pain so deep that people want/need to get out at all costs. When the heaviness of the marriage far outweighs everything else, like being in a burning building it’s natural to just want to run out at all costs. You feel like you are suffocating in pain. No doubt people begin to feel if not actively seek ‘something better’. Yes that’s true there no doubt is something better; but it doesn’t mean there’s got to be someone better.

Our society has gotten so focused on how things feel we abandon commitments when they are hard. Are we willing to walk to the hard road? I have to say from a personal level that I did walk the hard road. I stayed in the fire with my partner and what happened in my heart, my home and in my marriage was more brilliant than anything I could have ever fathomed.

One byproduct of weathering something so bad is that when God does His stuff, it becomes sweet beyond your wildest dreams.

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20

There are at least two girls in my life that I know who are separated. Oh if I could just go into their hearts and lives and give them the what-for to stick with their partner, through the fire. In the movie the husband was challenged to love his wife sacrificially, for 40 days (with an additional specific way, each day). Begrudgingly he committed himself to 40 days. It was hard and required the strength of God, which he did not have at first. He was to love with his life, when his heart was broken, angry and empty.

His commitment to 40 days was doable, but living the rest of his life in pain was not. During that time, he anticipated just meeting the challenge, but the result of his 'acts' of love was his heart began to change.

At first she didn’t receive his love. No matter how hard he tried against all feelings he pressed on, knowing it was only for 40 days. The result of laying his will aside for that period and loving her out of a commitment, even though his feelings were not in it, brought about remarkable results.

What about you, are you willing to love your spouse sacrificially for a mere 40 days? Go to Fireproofmymarriage.com for some support. Get the movie with an open, willing heart. Maybe you cannot imagine loving your spouse again, but would you give it one last try? I am so thankful I did. My biggest earthly treasure is my precious husband. I never dreamed I’d ever feel that way when we were in the fire but as a result of that experience I treasure our commitment.

Even if you aren’t married or in a trial, I hope you’ll see Fireproof anyway.

Let me know if I can encourage you or pray for you in the season you are in. God has moved a mountain in my life, I know firsthand about what He can do and I’d love to see Him do it for you.